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Report: DePaulia Opinions Page Just DePaul Republicans and Socialists Passive Aggressively Feuding

The DePaulia, DePaul University’s award-winning student newspaper/knife blog, has, like all forms of journalism in the politically divided era of 2017, recently noticed a growing partisan divide on its popular opinions page. The DePaul Republicans and the DePaul Socialists have taken over the editorial column to passively argue with each other in an attempt to inform the student body how they should feel about current events.

“Look, I like to be just as politically educated as much as the next guy,” says DePaul freshman Henry Bullberst. “But I feel like there are other things The DePaulia could be using its opinions page to talk about, like, whether the STU food is pure garbage or just terrible.”

Indeed, throughout DePaul’s campuses, students agree they’ve had enough of the constant arguing. Most seem to think that even the most bitter political divide pales in significance on their list of priorities when compared to finding tomorrow’s Wrigleyville houseparty.

“I would understand if The DePaulia was using all that printing space to say something new, but we’re just seeing the two groups repeating the same tired arguments,” said DePaul marketing major Sasha McDongworth. “We all know Republicans would rather just burn down meme groups and everything good in the world before ever actually having a conversation with the socialists. The DePaulia doesn’t need to keep repeating itself.”

In fact, the only people at DePaul who don’t seem to find the Republican/Socialist DePaulia feud repetitive and uninteresting are those writing the opinion pieces. Seemingly obsessed with their own intelligence and equipped with a narcissistic desire to constantly their name in print, the authors seemed like perfect candidates for recruitment at The Black Sheep. So we reached out to them, and picked up their comments on the feud while we were at it.

“I think doing important work publishing my pieces in the DePaulia,” said Brently Richson, a DePaul Republican. “It’s important to remind today’s special snowflake universities about the importance of free speech. I like to think my writing is helping to steer DePaul in the white direction. I mean, right direction…wait, you won’t publish that right?”

We tried to ask the socialist writer, but they failed to provide their name, what they thought about their work, and wouldn’t stop yelling incoherent comments like “Karl Daddy!” “Organizing the working the class!” and “One day the poor will rise up and feed of the fat of the upper class. They will weep as their towers are cast into the sea and the statues of the greedy gods are pulled off their pedestals.” That’s politics for ya!

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