DePaul’s bookstore is stocked with all the college essentials: overpriced textbooks, overpriced school supplies and overpriced car decals. Super glad students have all of these affordable options to choose from! It is lacking, however, in some more unique items that help set DePaul apart from other universities as a special place to learn. Here are some retail products that our bookstore could produce to help represent the Blue Demons in the best and most accurate way possible.
6.) DIBS onesie:
An on-campus fashion icon like DIBS should be honored in any and every way possible. Being able to sleep in the safe, warm skin of our beloved mascot is the dream for many DePaul athletes. That deep blue fur. Those bulging broad eyes. That weird black goatee. Just dripping in sex. Most students would wear that onesie all around campus.
5.) Bid Day flower crown:
Due to the DePaul female community’s general lack of interest in Greek life, most of the petals on this headpiece are shriveled up and dead. There may be a few bugs crawling around up there, but that’s the risk a girl must take in order to look like she just came from Coachella 2011.
4.) Sweat-stained CDM major’s shirt:
Every DePaul student knows that a CDM major sweats 500% more than the average young adult. A wet, salty hairline, back and armpits are essential assets for any game-design student before hitting the town (which, for CDM kids, equates to spending five hours straight in the Gameplay Lab). Damp and heavy, this piece would add that extra slime every non-computing DePaul student is looking for.
3.) Chartwells apron
This protective cooking apron would ideally be soaked in the blood, sweat and tears that leak out of the entire Chartwells staff each and every day. Sprinkled with Brownstones coffee stains, Ranch cheeseburger grease spots and a lingering Kitchen nachos stench, this cooking smock upgrades the average on-campus look to something a little more haute couture.
2.) Art, Media and Design major’s beret:
A hat piece like this just screams, “I can interpret paintings and symbols in my sleep! Fuck you! Fuck your mother!” Just lovely. Don’t be mistaken, though. You will not find any paint stains or clay marks. No, art students do not actually create art. They simply critique the work of others in condescending and irrelevant ways! Fun! Tote this hat around the Loop and you’ll lose three friends instantly.
1.) Chalk-erasing Timberlands:
These buddies will delete any and all dumb chalk-drawn messages on the sidewalks in front of the Stu. DePaul Democrats will race to purchase a pair of these! The DePaul College Republicans seem to utilize the fairly gay act of writing their agenda on the ground for all of the school to see often. With the chalk-annihilating Timberland boots, liberals from Loop to Lincoln Park can destroy any Milo-loving imbeciles! #MAGA
Load up on that Demon Express and go shop! With these items in your closet, you’ll be the coolest motherfucker to walk Sheffield Avenue (besides Father Holtschneider of course).
Need something to do on your walk to class? Try out our GIRL POD!