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What Donald Trump Would Tweet If He Visited DePaul

Today’s America is a ~peculiar~ place, filled with actual Nazis, egregious racists and let’s not forget, the dipshit that leads them, Donald Trump. While he doesn’t deserve his proper attribution as the Pres*dent of the United States, one thing someone, somewhere thinks he deserves is an active Twitter account. Instead of leading a nation, DJT spends his days golfing, hanging with his buds and stream-of-consciousness tweeting. Seeing the wild places his imagination takes him through his tweets is like watching a car crash and we just had to fantasize about all the things Donny might tweet about our own wonderful institution. 

DJT on the drugs:

After taking one look at the students and faculty at DePaul, there’s no question this would be something he’d fire off while sippin’ a piña colada at Mar-a-Lago. It’s a wonder that the quad doesn’t have a permanent cloud of smoke lingering over it at all times, but hey, just because we enjoy lighting up, doesn’t mean we aren’t academics or whatever.

DJT on all you liberal losers:

Donny J would definitely have a friend in the DePaul College Republicans. After seeing the sheer amounts of people with super short art history bangs and any of DePaul’s on-campus safe spaces, there’s no doubt he’d start taking cheap shots. The follow-up tweet reads, “…or get into Trump University!” 

DJT on the Loop Wall: 

Life is hard for an over-privileged cheese-for-brains manchild like Donald Trump and entering the world every day can be a heroic feat. The Loop is basically something out of a Trump nightmare, what with all the people of minorities and different socioeconomic classes running around. Unfortunately, like many things, this plan is half-baked since the Red Line runs underground and a wall wouldn’t do much in the way of stopping it. But hey, let’s make the Southside pay for it! 


Chicago universities know what they’re about. While city schools may not succeed in athletics or academics, or really anything else, the one thing they know how to do is rob people for ever cent they’ve got. The exploitation opportunity might look like a pretty offer to the “president,” unfortunately for us, he thinks Kushner is the human version of soggy whitebread and can solve everyone’s problems at once. 

Not Very Catholic!!!!: 

The Prezi Dezi of the United Stezi’s delusion runs deep. So deep in fact, after stepping foot into DePaul’s sin-filled Catholic sanctuary, he’d probably decide to “run for the heaven presidential election.” Let’s hope heaven’s elections are based on the popular vote and not an outdated electorate. 

After seeing these tweets written out, it’s clear we need to keep ol’ D-Bag away from DePaul, and Chicago in general.

Know anyone at one of these schools? Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!



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