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Driehaus Student Doesn’t Want You to Bring Up That He Didn’t Get Into Northwestern

DePaul’s Driehaus College of Business, one of the nation’s premier schools for teaching upwardly mobile college students, teaches future finance sector employees how to do business things, like produce large quantities of stocks and oppress the working class. A Driehaus student can enjoy their time at DePaul in all their fratty splendor as long as they follow the one unspoken rule of business school: Never mention that they couldn’t get into Northwestern’s Kellogg School of Management.

Every DePaul business student secretly applied for Northwestern, and every one of them was rejected, so it’s a real sore spot for most students. According to DePaul sophomore Jared Prixler, whose father invented the vibrating water bed, this wound is still very fresh.

“When I told my father I wouldn’t be able to go to the Kellogg School of Management, he was so disappointed,” Prixler said. “He got that cold look in his eye that he usually reserves for when the maid asks if she can leave early to tend to her sick child. He’s always going on about how my cousin managed to go to Harvard, and I’m just stuck at a school that only costs $40k per semester.”

The Driehaus College of Business is great, and one of the best schools in the country for learning how to take credit for other people’s labor. But Kellogg, Northwestern’s business school, is in a whole other league.

Kellogg students have ripe, sweaty cash glands that are constantly producing new monies, and the school offers special classes on inventing and exploiting bullshit concepts like a “blockchain.” They also receive training not currently offered at Driehaus, like what to do when your customers begin experiencing rapid growth.

More than one Driehaus student has reported feeling like an utter disappointment to their parents while they were bent over their professor’s desk receiving their business spankings. In this climate of shame, it is absolutely imperative that non-business friends and coworkers of the Driehaus students avoid mentioning that they couldn’t get into Northwestern, lest it sends them into a “privilege frenzy.”

“A privilege frenzy usually involves a lot of passive-aggressive subtweeting, and some indignant speeches about ‘You don’t know my story’ and ‘I worked to get where I am,'” explained Liz Reynolds, a junior at Driehaus. 

At press time, student Jared Prixler was seen crying in the bathroom, after accidentally liquidating some assets due to a thermostat error. If only he could’ve gotten into Northwestern, where his better business training might have prevented the accident.


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