At approximately 9:51 a.m. on October 19th, 2017, local Chicagoan and avid Cubs fan Jim Greenblatt intruded on a DePaul University classroom in the Arts & Letters Building located in the Lincoln Park campus. Impossibly intoxicated and undeniably happy, Greenblatt walked nearly the two mile distance from Wrigley Field to the DePaul campus in a drunken, inexplicable path of unconsciousness.
“After meddling with the doorknob for, like, three minutes,” said Kate Davidson, a DePaul student and member of the class in which Greenblatt invaded, “the guy sorta fell into the classroom. He screamed something like ‘They did it! My cubbies did the doOoOo. God, I love sprots,’ and then vomited all over Stephen’s project.” Davidson went on to say that Greenblatt took it upon himself to clean up his mess using his Cubs jersey, “He just sorta smeared the chunks around.”
Due to the recent Cubs’ win in the playoffs of this year’s baseball season, DePaul’s public safety staff assumes the mishap is directly related to celebratory events that Greenblatt most likely participated in after the game. “The dude was so fucked up. When I tried to get him to walk in a straight line, he said ‘I’m not as straight as one might think I am to be as I am…yup.’ Then, he winked at me. Well, his left eye drooped, so I think it was a wink. I can’t really be sure,” said public safety official Milton Vreeland.
Greenblatt’s identity was made known due to Professor Ronald Berman, a Christian Ethics teacher and dedicated Cardinals fan. Berman found Greenblatt’s driver’s license and handed it over to public safety to inspect. When asked about the location of Greenblatt’s wallet, Berman declared he had no idea what the officer was talking about: “What? What wallet? I don’t see a wallet? It’s not in my pocket if that’s what you’re thinking! No, you shut up! Fuck the Cubs. What? I didn’t say anything.”
The Cubs fan was given lots of fluid, instructed by Vreeland to “fucking rally, dweeb” and escorted back to Wrigleyville. Once by the field, Greenblatt made his way into Murphy’s and immediately ordered another beer.
Speaking of drunk Cubs fans…