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5 More Ways Elon Musk Should Improve Chicago When He Inevitably Takes Over

We like to complain here at The Black Sheep, and for good reason. The world fucking sucks sometimes and it’d be so easy for technology to just improve everything that’s wrong. Unfortunately, we can’t really do anything about it… but some people can. Elon Musk has recently said that he’s considering renovating the CTA Blue Line by creating an underground rail line connecting the Loop to O’Hare. It would cut transit times from an hour, not including track work, to just fifteen or twenty minutes. But the Blue Line isn’t the only thing needing renovation, and as long as he’s here, there’s some other things we should fix:

5.) Turn the Bean into a perfect sphere:
First on the agenda is to get that mathematically imperfect oval out of the middle of the city. Instead of worshipping an oversized, chrome, inedible bean, we should have a sculpture that actually follows geometric principles. Plus, if the Bean could roll, it sure would make those Facebook plans to push it into the lake much easier. Instead of creating a whole new centerpiece, pieces from the Bean will simply be removed, the leftover bits will be used for Goose Island-brand metallic beer mugs.

4.) Dome the city:
The weather in the city has been, quite simply, a bitch so far and has been a terrible start to 2018 (otherwise known as the year that things will most definitely, totally get better). It’d be so much better if Elon Musk simply covered the entire city with a dome. That way, the weather of the city would be under his complete control. No more snow and frigid temperatures. We could still live in the Midwest without being mocked by Southern cities in warmer climates.

3.) Reclaiming the Sears Tower:
Elon Musk should purchase the Willis Tower, rename it the Sears Tower, and do nothing else. Every single Chicagoan continues to call the building Sears Tower for the sole reason of being opposed to change. Tourists visiting the city who don’t understand our tragic past and, in their attempts to visit the SkyDeck, will never find the Willis Tower as no one knows what that is. And with all of the problems Chicago is dealing with, they could change this and call it a win for the next few years.

2.) Wintrust Arena:
As long as Elon Musk, a man who seems desperate to escape the planet, is upgrading Chicago, DePaul could sure use some changes too. And none have created such a vocal stir than Wintrust Arena. With the building already constructed, it’d simply be easier, if less enjoyable, to renovate it instead of completely demolishing it. The plan seems to get rid of the whole basketball theme and turn the arena into a shrine for the true deity of DePaul—DIBs.

1.) Moving walkways on campus:
There’s nothing worse than when you’re hanging out in your dorm, you feel hungry, and realize that the Stu is a full one-and-a-half blocks away. Can you really be expected to trek all that way? If the sidewalks were replaced with moving walkways, the same ones at every airport, then you could get to the Stu in seconds, or hit your alarm 14 times instead of only 11 times before you have to get to class. There are virtually zero downsides except for the whole spitting you out into the middle of the street to maybe be hit by a car thing, but that’s the price of innovation.

Granted, these changes aren’t going to be easy. Each of these projects is going to be in the billions of dollars range, but they’re worth it. Now if only DePaul Secure could just be faster. Even with the greatest minds in the world, there’s no way to fix that.

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