One of the untold secrets of college is that your grade mostly depends upon how much your professor likes you. This means that a getting an A is all a persuasion game. Professors aren’t the intimidating beasts that they seem to be on Rate My Professor, in fact, they are normies just like us! Your professor relates to you more than you think, so here’s six things to say when you totally fuck up and need an excuse to get them on your side for once.
6.) “The train was delayed…”:
The damn Red Line was delayed again?!? Shucks… it’s almost like you don’t know how to budget your time or plan ahead at all. Your professor should be understanding, it’s hard having a commute, you know? Lol, talk about #CTAfails, amiright, prof? Man, we’re all just people trying to get around in this crazy city. Anyway, definitely won’t happen again.
5.) “The dropbox was closed, can I email it?”:
Professors love emails from students, especially after they explicitly say not to email them assignments. While the dropbox exists, with a due date, for a reason, sometimes we just like to take the due date as a suggestion. If the dropbox has closed on you, your professor definitely won’t mind if you call them on their personal phone at 1 a.m. on a Monday asking if you can email your assignment.
Congratulations, you skipped class. The quarter has started spiraling downward by this point, so you can just say “fuck it” and stay at home crying and smoking weed all day. Unfortunately, this also means your final class grade automatically got bumped down a whole letter grade. DePaul professors are known for their strict attendance policies, so in this case, silence is deadly. Like literally, maybe they’ll think you’re dead and feel bad for you.
3.) “Can I smoke in here?”:
We know nicotine dependence runs rampant on campus, affecting six out of ten DePaul students. If you’re late to class because you started experiencing withdrawal symptoms, make sure to raise your hand and ask if you can light up a cig. Your professor might even ask to bum one from you!
2.) “I can’t do it tonight, I have chapter!”:
Sorority life is hard – especially when you’re presented with the task of evaluating the worth of your fellow peers! Not only do you have TONS of philanthropy to do, you have chapter meetings every week that takes up a lot of your time. Shoot your professor an email and let them know that chapter will have to take precedent over your midterm project this week – sorry babes!
1.) “Can we have class at Kelly’s?”:
We’re balls deep in midterms, we all need a drink… or 10. If you’re late or didn’t study, just bust into class and interrupt with this question. Your professor likely hates their life even more than you do with a hundred 12-page midterms to grade, so they’re in no position to turn down a chance to get rip-roarin’ drunk and numb the pain.
At the end of the day, remember that you can always use the bartering skills you acquired on your spring break trip to Mexico to negotiate for a higher grade – this is their favorite!
Or better yet, have your prof listen to our podcast!