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Future Campus Connect Update to Delete Campus Connect Altogether

It won’t be as bad as the Snapchat update, nothing will ever compare to The Snapening. But you should still prepare yourself for the soon to come Campus Connect update. This will have the most positive effect on your stress level because it will make your life more enjoyable by deleting the entire issue as a whole.

In typical DePaul fashion, the news of a Campus Connect update came through email. Some students rejoiced in the idea that their pain and stress diarrhea related to the school’s educational website could soon come to an end. Others, however, had no clue how to feel.

Junior Dan Carr stated, “I just… I don’t know. It’s hard to imagine my life without having to navigate my way through the Upside Down that is Campus Connect.”

Since so many students have felt this way, DePaul responded in an email that stated “In order to accustom people to the changes, we are creating training videos. We will send a new notice when the videos are complete. For those of you who prefer hands-on experience, we have scheduled drop-in sessions in May…”

Campus Connect famously updates its systems, to the point that they continue emailing use like nagging ex-lovers that just won’t let it go. The only way to truly absolve this was to get rid of the damn thing altogether.

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Senior Elizabeth Hanson was unhappy about the update, “WHY COULDN’T THEY HAVE DONE THIS LAST YEAR?!? Or any of the years when I was going here? If I had to suffer so should everyone else. I fucking hate Campus Connect.”

Tyler Kim, clearly a Peace, Justice, and Conflict Major said, “I’m glad that it will get better for those who come after me, progress is not made all at once.

Riley May, a core group member of the smoker’s lounge made the claim: “I don’t really care, I’m just happy I won’t have to worry about what classes I’m taking every five weeks.”

DePaul says that they made the decision to say goodbye to campus connect the only way they knew how, with an update.

One member of the IT department said, “At some point, you have to weigh the positives and negatives. And Campus Connect is just the 24/7 news cycle of DePaul, it’s always on your mind, incredibly unstable, and causes so much unnecessary fear. It’s time that we just accept Campus Connect is more useful deleted than up and ‘running.’”

Life without Campus Connect could be great–no stress about checking your degree progress report or no need to avoid the grade book. If we know DePaul though, the whole thing will turn out like Snapchat, and soon you’ll be watching your friends get shitfaced on Campus Connect Stories.

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