It happens to the best of us! You’re riding and dying on the good ol’ Red Line to your morning class when suddenly your life is changed forever. You see THE ONE. Maybe it’s the well-dressed business man with a face made of platinum and boots made of suede. Or maybe it’s the teeny tiny blonde Lincoln Park mom who wipes the poles with Lysol before she holds onto them. Or maybe it’s the snoring homeless man who’s taking up three seats at the end of the car. Whichever way, you can’t deny that you haven’t been absolutely smitten with a CTA rider before. Don’t panic, love is just around the corner!
For the next two to three minutes just stare into their eyes and pray to whatever god you believe in they don’t stare back. Think about your future together. You’ll have twin boys with names like “Flax Seed” and “Cash,” and raise them in Lake Forest. Maybe one night you’ll come home from a long day of being yourself and your CTA lover will surprise you with tickets to Bermuda. Or a night at the nearest Best Western (let’s be realistic here). Or better yet, They’ll propose to you on top of the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel!
Make an advance:
But while fantasizing is fun, they’ll eventually feel your 300-pound gaze. So ease up a bit. Maybe think about approaching them. Aha! Go up to them, mount your right leg on their left shoulder, lean in and stroke their cheek. This is a surefire way to get the one of dreams. They’ll feel and smell the steam from your undercarriage and think to themselves, “How the fuck can I miss out on that?” Or just rip the fucking Band-id off and get down on one knee, offer them the moldy granola bar from the bottom of your backpack, and ask them to marry you. There is NOTHING strangers love more than honesty.
If none of these approaches work, go for the grand daddy himself! That’s right! Take off all of your clothes and start doing your best ballerina twirl. Before you know it, you’ll sliding and gliding right on up into your lover’s heart. There’s no better (or faster) way to lock someone down than to show them your genitals.
Get over it:
Now, the worst is about to happen. You’ve come to your desired stop when all of a sudden it hits you: this love fest just might not work out. So you chalk it up to the man and you get the fuck over it. You knew this was never going to work out. And as you step off of that piss-smelling vehicle, don’t forget that you left your heart in there too. Adios, lovas!