You did it! You’ve just moved into your first apartment and like a perfectly horrible dollar menu experience, you’ve been tossed into the overflowing Arby’s trashcan that is adulthood. There’s nothing worst than entering the adult world completely vulnerable, with nothing to go off except the Food Channel and HGTV. The perfect start to embracing the onslaught of bills, buying your own toilet paper, and pap smears, is asserting dominance in your apartment building.
Here are the four domains that you must conquer in order to establish the hierarchy of your apartment building. (PS: If you ignore this, you’re weak and deserve to move into your parents’ basement.)
First things first, you gotta come up with the baddest Wi-Fi name out there. Get real creative — don’t pull the “Bill WI the Science FI” or “linksys” bullshit. Use your Wi-Fi name to express your concerns with your neighbors and change it on a weekly basis. “WHO’S THE BITCH WHO FUCKED UP THE WASHER’S COIN SLOT?,” “WHO’S THE BITCH THAT TOOK MY COPY OF O MAGAZINE?,” or “Merry Christmas, y’allJ.” The possibilities are endless.
For some reason, people are afraid of change; that’s why Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Horton Hears a Who ended the ways they did. And for some reason, it takes city dwellers an exorbitant amount of time to become accustomed to a new way of parking, even if it means moving two God damn spots over. (Jesus Christ, Kevin! It’s not a difficult concept to grasp.) So when your neighbors decide to tell you to “fuck off” after you politely ask them for the general gist of your parking situation, you should politely parallel, diagonal, parallelogram park and take up all of their spots. Let them know that you will not be tread on, even though you drive a Pontiac. And if they’re not dicks, still do it. The battle for dominance never ends.
Do your laundry at the most inopportune times…for them. Don’t wash your clothes for a week so you can figure out their laundry schedule. The following week, be sure to do your laundry at the same time that they would. But you have to wait to hit the start button as they walk in the door; after they’ve hauled their butt load of Chubbies and pastel Polos down three flights of un-leveled stairs. Look them directly in the eye as you forcefully push “Cold Wash.” Let them know that a new, more advanced Tide user has come to take their Snuggles-ass down.
Anytime you and your roommates decide to venture out and throw a party or a little get together, go all out. Blare your music, invite your sloppy friends, and do tons of speed. And if you really want to show them what’s up, get your high school friend/dealer, Donny, to set up shop on their back patio. Let those assholes in 2F know whose taking over.
You have to show those other tenants that just because you aren’t a 25-year-old U of Chicago alumni who lives in his dead aunt’s apartment, doesn’t mean that you aren’t prepared for the adult-world.
A storm’s a brewin’, 2F. A storm’s a brewin’.