Let’s face it, if you’ve continued to read past the title of this article, you’re too lame, too broke, or too out of town to attend the beautiful annual Chicago tradition that is Lollapalooza. Regardless of whatever the reason you aren’t going — you probably wish you were going, but have no fear, The Black Sheep has you covered with the complete step by step guide for how to pretend that you went to Lollapalooza once the fall quarter comes around.
Step 1 – Figure out your schedule:
This step might be the hardest thing to do out of all of the steps in this guide. Go through the schedule for each day and choose all the bands that you have enough knowledge on to trick people into thinking you were at the show. If this all sounds like too much effort, that’s because it is. But here’s a back up plan: Instead of creating your own schedule, just say you stayed at the Kidzapalooza stage the entire weekend. The hardest part about this is going to be explaining why you are such a big fan of The School of Rock All-Stars.
The Black Sheep pro tip: Know the lead singer of the bands you put on your fake schedule — it’ll make it easier to slip this into a conversation.
Step 2 – Create your own token Lolla story:
Everyone who goes to Lollapalooza has that one story they’ll tell everyone else. We decided to make it easy for you by creating this fill-in-the-blank story for you to use.
“You won’t believe what happened on day ___(#1-3)___ of the fest! I was heading back to my ___(dorm/apartment/house)___ by way of ___(mode of transportation)___, when I saw this ___(man/woman/child/some combination of the three)___ they looked over at me and ___(mugged/spit at/threw up on)___ me. That’s when I knew that I totally had my own token Lollapalooza experience.”
Change a few small details every time you tell this story so people will think you’re exaggerating, and thus like you more. You’re deceiving these people on a much deeper level than they even realize.
Step 3 – Buy Merch:
Now, no one is going to believe you went to Lollapalooza if you don’t have any merch from any of the bands you purportedly went to see. This means t-shirts, posters, CDs, vinyls, wristbands, calendars, souvenir mugs, key chains, socks. So click around to a few bands’ online stores, and buy as much merch as you would’ve spent on actual tickets to Lollapalooza.
Once you’ve purchased the various items, begin leaving some of them around your friends’ apartments, dorms, and homes little by little so that every time you see them you can ask if you left your *insert band name here* shirt at their place, then remind them that you got that when you totally went to Lollapalooza.
Step 4 – Slowly begin to remove yourself from these peoples’ lives.
In order to properly execute this step properly you need use the fade away method. Start by not responding to any texts or messages little by little. Eventually they’ll just be people you avoid at Whole Foods, wondering whatever actually happened to them.
You might ask why you need to do this, but might we remind you that you are in way too deep, and living a lie is worse than having to lose a few friends and family members — this is what you’ve signed yourself up for there is no turning back now.
Step 5: Repeat next year.