After weeks of waiting, worrying, social media stalking, kissing ass and pretending to be someone you’re not, your social ranking (sorority bid) was likely revealed to you in some dramatic and frightening scene on the Quad. While sororities are hideously outdated and ruled by misogyny, there are still a handful of people at DePaul who long for “running home” and Vinyard Vines t-shirts.
Unfortunately, not every girl is quite sumptuous enough to receive a bid from their sorority of choice. If you didn’t get a bid this bid day, remember your life is
n’t over (and you should n’t place value on superficial social rankings). You’re still worthy enough to spend the rest of your life trying to get back at the sorority that rejected you.
Step 1 — Start your own superior sorority that focuses on hating sororities:
Nothing says “fuck sororities” more than starting a sorority. Since Greek life is basically already a cult take the opportunity to showcase this within your new and improved sisterhood. Show modern sororities how weak their idea of “sisterhood” really is. In your sorority, sisters aren’t sisters until blood is shed and shared. Ceremonies? You’ll have them. In the woods, around a fire, with your BLOOD Sisters, chanting in the name of those imposters who rejected you! They’re bound to envy your dedication to Satan Sisterhood.
Step 2 — Protest fraternities:
The real question is, what is a sorority without their fratty counterparts? As declared by patriarchal law, the two are codependent. The proper sorority girl will tell you that she joined to meet new people, make friends, and “network.” Everyone knows that the sole purpose of a sorority is to receive the golden ticket into frat parties. Without the classy company of frat bros, sororities would lose all credibility. So make some posterboard signs, and protest the existence of fraternities! It’s sort of like they’re losing the love of their lives, just sleazier.
Step 3 — Join The Black Sheep!:
If you’re truly bitter about not getting into a sorority this year, join us at The Black Sheep. Where else can you say “Delta Gamma Dildo” and get away with it? You’ll have to put up with the same amount of social scrutiny plus being chained to a keyboard, and yes, we all sleep in bunkbeds together but… it’s totally worth the fun of thinking up the most creative names to piss them off: Gamma Gamma Gonorrhea, Theta Theta Potata. See, don’t you feel better already?
Step 4 — Steal their Svedka:
Svedka to a sorority girl is the equivalent of Natty Light to a frat boi. How can they live their best lives and truly get the “college experience” while sober? That’s madness! Steal their alcohol, and you steal their confidence, power, and chances of ending up passed out in a bathtub by midnight. Their new “exclusive events” will consist of walking the streets in search of spare Svedka. Poor girls!
Step 5 — Make up your own chant:
If you’re one of the few people who actually give a shit, you may recall the ritual-like chants that sorority girls run around screaming on campus. Nothing draws your attention more than hearing, “We are the Delta Delta Doobies,” while you’re just trying to eat your damn food in the Stu. Since there’s nothing more threatening to a sorority gal than being upstaged by a commoner, make up your own chant to rebuttal theirs. The chant could literally be anything, as long as it’s as meaningless as the original sorority chants (which shouldn’t be difficult). These are some of our favorites if you needed some ideas: “Dqehlenwkwkfbsow lwskfnwlwk!!!”, “Tacos Tacos Tacos!!!”, and “Big Ballllllls!”
While you’ll soon feel like you’ve dodged a bullet by not getting roped into Lilly Pulitzer colored crazy, we understand that it is a fresh wound. Just remember, there are way more on-campus organizations that you can try to dip your feet into before you ultimately give up and go back to smoking weed by yourself.
Need something to do while you brood? Listen to out GIRL podcast!