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How To Sell Your Body On A DePaul Facebook Page

This time of year, DePaul Facebook pages are filled with well-meaning freshman publicly begging for friends. However, everyone who has been at DePaul for more than two weeks knows that the class pages are best used as a source of revenue, so here’s The Black Sheep’s step-by-step guide on how to sell your body online, because any DePaul sucker would be willing to buy something dirty, ugly, or used as long as it’s only $50!

Step 1 — Know your limits:
Before you start selling your body to your classmates, you should do some deep thinking about what you’re willing to do. Are you okay with kissing? Are you going all the way? How do you feel about butt stuff? What about DIBS roleplay? If you’re going to be prostituting yourself through DePaul Facebook groups, you could be asked to do all of these things and more. Make sure to define your boundaries.

Step 2 — Know your worth:
Another important thing to consider before you sell your body is how much it’s worth. If you, for example, have a small dong or a puffy vagina, then it’s only fair to ask for a lower price than someone, say, with a full six-pack or a big ol’ swangin’ D. If you’re like most us and are only selling something you don’t even want anymore, then you shouldn’t ask for more than you’d pay for a night with yourself. 

Step 3 — Create a marketable ad:
Once you know how far you’re going and the value of your product, your next step is creating a marketable ad for your body. Study other people’s ads for dirty couches and ugly old furniture in the DePaul class groups to get an idea of what your prostitution ad should look like. Consider catchy headlines like, “I’m Poor, Pay Me $50 for a Handy-J,” “4-Inch Peen of Steel for Sale,” or “St. Vincent Slut Looking for Cash.” Don’t forget to post some flattering pictures of yourself to draw in customers, and don’t be afraid to use photoshop to make some touch-ups, like cropping out your extra toe or covering up your weird knee thing.

Step 4 — RAKE IN THE CASH:
Even if you’re completely disgusting, someone’s bound to be sad enough to screw you, and you’ll start making serious money. Use that dough to do all things that you could previously only dream about, like pay your bills on time or maybe buy a vegetable once in awhile. The possibilities are endless once you start making enough money to survive.

Now you know everything you need to about selling yourself through Facebook. Be sure to use your newfound wealth responsibly, and let the police know that The Black Sheep helped you get this far.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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