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An Investigation Into The Emerging Black Market for DePaul Graduation Tickets

Students are already not happy with DePaul – it’s only mid-May, and while most of our state school friends are free from the chains of institutionalized education, we are still wallowing in despair as our thighs stick to the plastic seats in classrooms that are much too stuffy. Seniors especially are bearing the brunt of this pain. The freedom of graduation is intoxicatingly close… too bad DePaul has done gone and ruined that too!

Blah, blah, Wintrust blah. We know, DePaul spent a lot of money on a stadium for a shit show basketball team, but what we didn’t know, was that it would royally fuck us all when it came time to walk across the stage and receive the $100,000 piece of paper we spent four years procuring.

Due to Whatever Fucked Up Shit DePaul Did Now, we are paying the price. With the graduation ceremonies being held at Wintrust, attendance is limited, meaning DePaul has decided to ration out tickets not unlike a communist dictator. Unfortunately for us, the capitalistic mores of the DePaul’s bright and shining business student population couldn’t help but seep through, and a shady black market has emerged for DePaul graduation tickets. 

“Look… I only needed two tickets for my parents… I’m an only child, obviously,” said senior Jake Skorlington. “It’s simple supply and demand bro, take an Econ class for once you commies. I had three extras, (supply duh doy), and needed some money to buy Tito’s (demand) so, yeah I sold those fuckers for $100 a pop to some sad sap art student with like 30 aunts in Cicero or something.”

Business students like Jake were the first to notice an opportunity to take advantage of the woes of their fellow students. Instead of offering a helping hand and offering their classmates in need of extra tickets, they seized the reigns of capitalism, mounted the emerging market, and thrust themselves deep into the money hole.  

However, despite being rapidly growing market, students still scramble to find tickets for their LOVED ONES to attend one of THE MOST IMPORTANT MILESTONES of their life, because tickets to graduation ceremonies remain elusive.

“One girl agreed to sell me two tickets to the communications school graduation over Facebook,” senior Julia Rothke said. “When I went to meet them at the agreed location, I was kidnapped and taken to a second, secret location… but I’m pretty sure it was just the U-Hall basement.”

Bidding wars are still being waged over Facebook comments among the Class of 2018 and their parents in an attempt to get their hands on any singular ticket. The parents, especially are about to lose it.

“My son has dedicated four years of his life to this university and I don’t see why my entire extended family of 12 can’t all be here for his graduation ceremony. I just see that as ridiculous!” mother of senior Blake Moore said.

While the many tickets remain in the hands of the few, we’re reminded and humbled by how quickly our treasured capitalistic system can turn people against one another, instead of against the oppressing institutions. Maybe DePaul would’ve had better luck distributing tickets using the Golden Ticket method… at least we would’ve had chocolate with our disappointment.

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