DePaul asked—and DePaul answered! At the end of fall quarter, students were given the opportunity to choose one new dining location in the Student Center. Despite the clearly superior option of a mac and cheese bar, the student body instead opted for an eatery with all-natural, wholesome ingredients, now known as Rooted. Damn vegans.
While the notion of healthier eating on campus seems like a positive change, we at The Black Sheep fear Rooted are far more sinister than they appear. A student dining facility dedicated to healthy eating? At DePaul? Something must be awry. We developed a crack team of investigators to answer the most troubling of inquiries: is Rooted serving food or just bowls of sand?
In order to find answers, we did a bit of preemptive research. Turns out, sand is vegan, which would definitely satisfy the DePaul vegan subculture. Additionally, sand is zero calories, making for a perfectly guilt-free meal choice. When looking at the Rooted menu, we reached a bit of a stalemate. The options of leafy greens, whole grains, legumes, veggies and healthy sauces seem harmless enough, but could they really just be sand in disguise? In order to reach a definitive resolution, we decided to taste the food ourselves.
Due to our typical diet of leftover Taco Bell grease and PBR, we were hesitant to try the food, to say the least. A few bites in and the bowl of health foods tasted decent enough. However, halfway through the meal, a strange taste became present. Earthy, bland and suspiciously grainy, the flavor pervaded the rest of the meal. Could it be our unhealthy asses having an adverse reaction to more natural foods or could it be that we’re actually eating straight sand?
In order to gain a better understanding, we asked around the Stu. When speaking to the server at Rooted about the ingredients, she remarked, “Everything is very healthy and tastes great.” During our conversation, she received a phone call from her supervisor; while we cannot know what her supervisor was saying, she responded with, “Yes, Dan, the new order of sand has already come in and is being served.”
In asking students, they expressed similar confusion, with vegan sophomore Julia McNeil confessing, “I’ve been a vegan for six years and I love eating healthy, but something shady is definitely going on there. When I last got served, the worker started referencing Attack of the Clones, a movie notorious for sand humor!”
While our results are inconclusive, they are troubling, to say the very least. If you or someone you know believes you are being served sand, contact The Black Sheep immediately. And while the Stu food will always be mediocre, serving students sand under the guise of healthy food is truly a new low. What hell have you wrought, vegans of DePaul?
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