Many DePaul students look to the good ol’ JTR as a safe space where they can study, play with their fidget spinners, or watch porn in peace. Unfortunately, DePaul announced earlier this fall that the beloved library will be shortening their hours due to “budget cuts,” to the shock and dismay of library-goers all across campus. Since the university is notorious for raking in a shit ton of money every year from its students (or its students’ parents), we at The Black Sheep found this a little fishy, and have a few suspicions to explore. What are the librarians really up to after hours? Here are five super likely conspiracy theories to consider:
5.) The “Sexy” Librarian:
Everyone has heard of the infamous stereotype of the sexy librarian: smart and sensual, who could resist? Rumor has it that the DePaul librarians have been hitting more than just the books after hours. Helping you with your research paper by day, and your body-ography by night. Thank god they’re a free resource.
4.) Dead Librarian Society:
Librarians are definitely an underappreciated breed of people. That’s why it’s important for them to stick together in life…and in death. Every night when the library closes, the dead librarians of the past are summoned in a ceremony lead by DIBs (the secret librarian cult leader). They plot how they will seek vengeance on the assholes who stick gum under the desks at night, and scammers who claim “they totally returned that book last week,” but never did. The wrath of the dead librarian’s society is coming for you.
3.) Dope Side Hustle:
Since the DePaul library is a haven for all different types of DePaul students, the librarians have had time to build up a diverse clientele. Being a librarian is a pretty good gig, but once in awhile, Joanne wants to buy the leatherback edition of Shakespeare, and that requires a little extra spending money. So if that means slipping some “powdered sugar” in between the pages of The Odyssey, so Brent from Phi Kappa Phi can enjoy his Friday night and Joanne can enjoy her damn leatherback luxury, so be it!
2.) Books and Blaze?:
The librarians of DePaul put up with a lot of shit. Whether they’re dealing with pretentious kids who can’t find anything for themselves or professors who are constantly trying to wave their shiny Ph.D. in their face in order to get free perks, librarians are tough motherfuckers. But at the end of the night, they’re still human (hopefully). They like to let loose and forget about the idiots of the world. That’s why closing earlier gives them plenty of time to roll some green grass and escape. First is books, next is blazin’.
1.) Librarian Dance-offs:
The life of a librarian is a quiet and quaint existence. Having to remain quiet and tell others to shut the hell up all day gets boring and tiring. That’s why, after hours, it’s time to turn the F up for our DePaul librarians. They’ve held it in all day only to let loose on the dance floor at night. They even sneak librarians from other colleges over to DePaul through the underground librarian road. Rumor has it, they even have teams with names like “The Big Book Bitches” and the “Shhhhhh Sisters.” They battle for books by dropping that ass to the floor. Don’t judge a book by its cover!
No matter what shenanigans the librarians are getting up to at night, we know they’re partying down for all of us and we’ll keep pretending like the university cut hours due to “budget cuts” (but we all know the truth…it’s always the quiet ones)!
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