It’s an all-too-familiar scenario. You’re chilling in the Stu after a messy Friday night out and you’re seeking comfort and refuge. Rather than being reminded of all the horrible decisions you made the night before by scrolling through horrors lurking in your camera roll, you decide to hit up Scramble. This is your time to unwind, eat almost-palatable food and turn off your brain, as you give yourself to whatever is playing on one of the many Stu televisions. Or so you thought. You park yourself down and find that Fox and Friends is playing. God dammit.
You’re confused, angry and wanting answers. Do people even watch that show anymore? People under the age of 65? And at DePaul, a school synonymous with being woke? While your first instinct is to blame the DePaul Republicans, because, let’s be honest, no one would defend them, it’s far too easy. Who would subject their fellow students to such a horrible morning program? The answer is sitting right in front of you.
Dave. Fucking Dave.
When The Black Sheep was first consulted to write this exposè, we had our reservations. It seemed highly unethical to write an article condemning a student for the entire DePaul population to read, but then we realized that no one reads our articles anyway! Also, Dave is the worst. When speaking to fellow Blue Demons, we got the full scoop as to how much of a garbage person he really is.
“He’s such a pain in the ass, oh my God,” lamented junior, Adam Fritts. “We were in the same creative writing class last quarter, and he kept writing ‘think pieces’ on how selfies were destroying the American family. Like, I swear he’s actually 75 years old.”
The few ladies of DePaul that have had the misfortune to go on dates with Dave minced few words. “So, we went out to dinner at like 3:30 once last year and it was the worst experience of my life,” said Grace Miller. “I was just wearing a T-shirt and jeans and he said I looked like a strumpet? I didn’t even know that people our age even use that word seriously.” Miller later remarked that Dave’s eating habits were just as bizarre, choosing to order green bean casserole and prune juice.
It became obvious that Dave was the one behind the trickery of changing all the television screens to Fox and Friends when we realized he was the only other person in the Stu at 5 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Like, what the fuck dude?
While Dave initially seems like your average conservative d-bag, he has proven to be far more enigmatic than we originally thought. The television taste, the vernacular, the eating habits and general disapproving attitude. It doesn’t quite add up.
Is Dave really a DePaul junior, as his stolen private records say, or is he secretly an elderly man posing as a youthful chap? Could Dave be infiltrating the youth population in order to brainwash us? While Dave declined to comment, citing The Black Sheep as “a hippie-dippie slander machine,” the evidence against him is all but damning. Take it easy, DePaul and watch out for Dave.
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