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Labor Day in Chicago: Let’s All Just Stay Inside

So here’s what you have to do today, aka Labor Day: avoid every Chicago landmark, don’t even think about approaching the beach, and don’t even attempt to put your Honda civic in drive ’cause they’re coming… those flower crown-wearing, vape-smoking 17 year olds are headed to the city, jamming out to their “performances at the 2015 VMAs” playlist, with the sole purpose of posting 2946 Instagrams (#chicagolife #chitownlivin). Just stay indoors today.


With these Instagram intentions there are a number of places that you should avoid, like Jerry’s penthouse, that parking garage with “the city is ours” spray-painted on the roof (if it’s even there anymore), and street signs. But of all the places you should stay away from, you shouldn’t dare step near the Bean. The Bean is where all of those crop top wearing, flash tattoo enthusiasts go to take those idiotic photos. You know, the ones with them squatting and touching butts, or posing like a Disney character outside of the Magic Kingdom gates, positioning their arms to make it look like they’re holding the Bean — all while wearing their stupid Ozzy Osbourne inspired sunglasses from Francesca’s.


And then there are their sad, sad moms, living vicariously through their girls, taking picture after picture of them with their tongues out and touching their boyfriend’s midriff. “Tiffany! TIFFANY! Put your hand like this! Yeah! There ya go! Work it baby!”


Spare yourself the horror of watching Bravo in real life and teach yourself how to knit this Labor Day.


Avoid the beach all together. Stay away from Castaways. Whatever you do, do not go to Castaways. Labor Day at Castaways is also known as the Jackoff Convention of 2015, where said jackoffs will congregate and get wasted off the case of beer they took from the back of their dad’s truck.


They all stand in a circle too, looking like they’re about to break out a game of “Little Sally Walker.” They blare Big Sean while some of the girls twerk on each other in a desperate attempt to get the attention of Trent, the football player who longboards to school and knows how to play “Bitch You Guessed It” on the piano. Yup, all in the direct view of families, church groups, and stray dogs who are just trying to enjoy themselves and not get poked by discarded needles on North Ave Beach.


So why don’t you chill at your apartment and watch that scientology documentary on HBO this Monday?


The last thing that you’d want to do this Labor Day is attempt to drive. Not just because there’s going to be a shit-ton of suburbanites on the road blaring “Jealous” on loop, but because the traffic will be insane and you don’t want to have to use the designated car bathroom (leftover cup from Wendy’s). So spend your Labor Day in your designated home, cozied up on your trash futon, and browsing through Amazon Prime. As of a day that happened this past month, Amazon Prime has launched a one-hour delivery service in Chicago. Go ahead and check that out.

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