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Newly Free Laundry in Dorms Leads to Wealthy, Wasteful Freshmen


If you’re a freshman at DePaul University living on campus, you probably do your laundry at least once a week.  “Why is that?” some upperclassmen might ask from their lame ass coin laundry apartments. Well, freshmen really do have it all this year with close access to the Lincoln Park Campus, being forced to live with people they barely know, and now free laundry in the dorm rooms. Now while this makes it a lot easier for freshmen to do laundry, it also frees up a lot of money for the Class of 2019, so The Black Sheep sent in some of our spies to ask these freshmen what they will do with all of that extra cash (and also to do laundry, because c’mon, it’s free).


Our first student was mindlessly watching Netflix on an iPad while waiting for his first load of only multi-colored socks to finish going through the wash, so that he could put in his second load of ironic graphic tee-shirts from Urban Outfitters, followed by a third load of ironic tee-shirts from the internet, and then for fun he was just going to do a load with a single pair of boxers.  “Yeah, I really like to take advantage of the free laundry here at DePaul, but with all the money I saved I was able to purchase this iPad to watch Game of Thrones on while my laundry is going since the dorms also give you free HBO GO.”  At this point our reporter, who is a sophomore living on her own, began to feel a strange combination of rage and lightheadedness and left for a few minutes to collect herself.


The next student we found was Samantha Richards, another freshman who was sitting in her laundry room waiting for a student who had spread an entire week’s worth of laundry into every single washer and dryer in the entire room.  “It’s impressive what some people can do now that we have free laundry in the dorms. I only have three shirts to wash but I will give each its own personal washer just ’cause I can. I think I will use the money to finally purchase a fake ID from that shady guy that lives down the hall… I mean K cups for my coffee maker.”  Our reporter told Samantha Richards that her secret was safe with us, and headed over to a different hall to ask more students about what they thought.  


“I’m not really supposed to talk to you guys I don’t think.”  This was the only statement we were able to get out of Timmy Jefferies, a member of the Class of 2019.  “I just came here to do my laundry, they told us on the Facebook page that The Black Sheep isn’t the kind of content we want here.” Fair enough Timmy, fair enough. 


In conclusion, The Black Sheep firmly suggests that all upperclassmen find a way to get back into the dorms, whether it is through a freshman sibling who would have access to these free laundry facilities, or just a guy you pay $5 dollars to handle your dirty pile of boxers for you.  Whatever you do, just remember that laundry is free and it’s every man for himself out there.

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