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DePaul Music School Construction Set To Be Complete 10,000 Years From Now

The Holtschneider Performance Center has been one of DePaul University’s most ambitious projects, an elegant and acoustically-optimal building that will contain a 505-seat concert hall, and host most of the School of Music’s classes. The construction, which began in November 2015, is finally scheduled for completion in the year 12,017.

Though many members of the DePaul community are pleased that the project finally has an end date, some are unhappy that it won’t be finished for another ten millennia. “Look, I’m as excited as the next guy to have a sleek, functional music school,” says clarinet student Edward Tenisalls. “And I’m also glad it’s being named after someone as cool as Daddy Holt. I’m just a little upset we won’t be able to see the result of all the construction for ten thousand years.”

Mr. Tenisalls’ frustration is shared with much of the student body. The work on the music school doesn’t just displace music students, it fills the Lincoln Park campus with noise, interrupting DePaul students enjoying a doobie in-between classes. The idea that students be forced to listen to construction noises for another 10,000 years is horrifying to many.

“Dude, all I want in life is to be able to quietly do my homework near the music school, while occasionally sneaking off to the bathroom to light the fuck up,” says economics major Karla Scharf. “But I can’t because sometimes I hear the sound of hammers and saws and whatever else people use to build things from down the street. It totally messes with my vibe, man.”

More frustratingly, while DePaul is pushing years and years of effort into this project, the timeline doesn’t add up with other university projects. “I feel like Wintrust Arena™️ was built almost overnight. I don’t even know what it’s for….does DIBs live there?” asked Mark Zinkerberg, a super-senior who plans to still be at the university when the music school is finally completed.

With all the construction around Lincoln Park, like that one apartment building on Lincoln, students are beginning to question when their world will return to normalcy. “I feel like we’re back in the industrial revolution. I think that’s when they were building stuff…at least according to the history class I’m in right now,” Zinkerberg added.

Indeed, 400 generations of music school construction will be certain to disrupt the delicate flow of DePaul University. The Black Sheep reached out to DePaul’s administration for comment. “I mean, yes, it will be a serious inconvenience to work on one building for thousands of years,” says Jeffrey Dahmer, a DePaul administrator, with no relation to the serial killer. “But think about the end product. 505 seats!”

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