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An Open Thank You Letter To DIBS’ Mom

Dear Mrs. DIBS,

I am writing to you today to express my deepest and most intense gratitude to you for bringing to life one of the most important and influential figures in not only my life, but the lives of each and every member of the DePaul University community as well. Without your love and affection for each other, and the care in which you raised your star of a son, we would not have gained the knowledge, inspiration and true joy that come from being in the presence of the large and lovable beast. He’s a role model to some, a father figure to most, and a friend to all.

Thank you for his fur: 
The deep, mysterious blue that radiates from literally miles away cannot be denied. His long, luscious locks are thick and comforting. When I’m greeted with a hug, I cannot help but linger for a second or two longer than acceptable. Covered in a genetically-engineered blanket of lush cerulean hair, DIBS is the epitome of a safe haven in the form of a demon. Thank you for that, Mrs. DIBS.

Thank you for his eyes:
His wide, intense seeing-globes consistently catch my fancy. When any DePaul faculty member happens to gaze into his thoughtful eyeballs, he or she instantly forgets the entire agenda for that day’s class. The effects are immediate. And one cannot forget his thick, brooding eyebrows. They rest upon his eyes like two beautifully crafted hairy caterpillars of sex appeal. Thank you for those, Mrs. DIBS.

Thank you for his tail:
DIBS’ long, girthy, swinging tail makes me weak at the knees. Its suggestive nature always catches its audience off guard in the most attractive way possible. Its sheer size is impressive and the black, furry tip is intensely alluring. I want it wrapped around my neck, lightly choking me until my breaths become short and exasperated. But that’s simply a fantasy. DIBS only uses his tail for good, like offering it to a blind man who has lost his walking stick or allowing children to play with it like a Maypole. Thank you for that, DIBS’ mom.

Thank you for his claws:
Those meaty hands are supple and tender but can cut a bitch when necessary. They have the ability to caress the smallest and most gentle of infants but can also act as crude shivs or genetic knives to protect and serve not only DePaul’s campus (including the new Wintrust Arena™! Check it out today!), but our great nation as well. We salute those claws, Mrs. DIBS. Thank you for them.

Thank you for his horns:
Those pointy suckers are so phallic they simply ooze sex, but underneath that hellish exterior lies a pure, innocent heart. They act as seductive antennae that give DIBS that infamous bad boy reputation he so effortlessly carries with him. But, as you know, he’s a softie deep down. And although those horns don’t reflect his true personality, they do provide endless amounts of undeniable animalistic magnetism and allure. Thank you for that, Mrs. DIBS.

The students and staff of DePaul University cannot articulate our gratitude enough. We thoroughly appreciate all that your son has given us as a mascot, a mentor and a buddy. Thank you, Mrs. DIBS. Just thank you.

A devoted DIBS fan

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