ATTENTION: Valentine’s Day is approaching and doing so at lightning speed. It’s no secret that DePaul’s got a varied bunch of lovers, many of whom can be hard to love. If you’re struggling to find yourself a valentine, try these pick-up lines on your latest cute crush. You’ll be a smitten kitten in no time.
8.) “Let’s get rectal at the church rectory.”
Start off strong with a little ass play on V-Day! Ask your Valentine’s Day lover to meet you in the beautiful grassy fields of the holy church rectory. We’re sure Father Holtschneider won’t mind! If it gets weird, ask him to hop on in!
7.) “You can brown my stones any day.”
This is completely up to your own interpretation, but we’ve used it, and it works 8/10 times. Especially, for some reason, to many a Brownstones cashier.
6.) “Are you a CTA heat lamp? Because you make my genitals sweat.”
We all know the feeling: you’re standing on the CTA platform waiting for the train to 95th and because this is Chicago, it’s less than 4 degrees outside. So you try and head on over to the heat lamps, but it’s absolutely packed. Well, just slip this pick-up line to any one of those crowding fuckers and they will immediately move on over. Plus, the heat from your under carriage will be the only warmth they need.
5.) “Can I scramble your eggs in the mile-long line for Scramble?”
While eyeing up your future omelet in the tortuous line for some eggs, let your crush know just what you’re thinking. If you’re behind someone with a cute butt, tap on their shoulder and plow this one down their throat.
4.) “Will you stroke my Vincentian dick?”
Let them know where your dick stands on Vincentian values. If your dick has a yearning for equality, justice and world peace, shout it to the heavens. There is nothing more attractive than a nice hearty penis with values of integrity.
3.) “Are you St. Vincent DePaul? Because you look like a nice person.”
This one goes out to the more prude students. If you’re nervous about coming off too harsh or vulgar, this pick-up line is great for you. Simply approach that calm friendly-looking dad-like figure waiting for his train and say this to them. If they smile, they want to fuck you!
2.) “Can I give you a hand-job under Big Hand Jack?”
What are you doing for justice? What’s that? Nothing!? Make up for your lack of charity work by giving your valentine a hand job right under the John J. Egan statue. This will definitely warm the freshmen’s hearts as they head into the Student Center to send their high school sweethearts candy grams!
1.) “Wanna fuck in the Richardson fourth floor bathroom?”
A perfect pick-up line. Direct and to the point. Let your Valentine’s Day crush know exactly where your priorities stand. Don’t beat around the bush! Politely ask them if they would like to make soft, quiet love in the sweet and sensual stalls of the fourth floor bathrooms in the library. Its tough to pass that up!
Hopefully these will help you get through a rough Valentine’s week. They’re powerful enough to secure your soulmate but just the right amount of chill to grab a quick booty. Happy love making!
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast!