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How to Pretend You’re a Cubs Fan When You Don’t Really Care

It’s official: the Cubs are going to the World Series. The city erupted with excitement. Streets were stormed, police horses stood their ground, people hung from the street signs. The camaraderie and pride beaming from Wrigley Field made the entire world smile except probably Cleveland (that’s who they’re playing, right?).

That being said, not everyone will be out celebrating this week. Some people like to stay in and re-watch Good Will Hunting alone. Some people, no matter how hard their fathers tried, have never deeply cared about the Cubs or any other team for that matter. Their ambivalence typically remains closeted for fear of social ostracization. This is not the time to be true to yourself. It’s time to be fucking fake as hell and pretend you give a shit about the Cubs. Here’s how:

Dress the Part:
Wear something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.

Recite Fun Facts:
Promising pitcher Mike Harkey once injured his knee doing a cartwheel. “Eamus catuli” means “Go cubs!” in Latin. Fergie Jenkins pitched for the Cubs and also was a Harlem Globetrotter. Sammy Sosa injured his back while sneezing. Memorize four and put them in your pocket. Everyone will assume if you know the random things then you know all of the regular facts too.

Renounce the Curse:
Is it renounceable yet? Is this a stupid question? Maybe Google it before you do anything just to be sure. It would be horrible if you went around renouncing curses that are maybe still in play? This is an educated risk.

Visit Wrigley Field:
Stay long enough for a picture with the blinky sign. Eat a hot dog! You don’t have to know a lot about baseball to like hot dogs. They’re not pretentious like that.

Sing the “Go Cubs Go” Song:
Please, please don’t start this one. Let someone else do that, someone who actually deserves to. You can totally sing along though!

If You Can’t Beat ’em, Join ’em:
When all else fails: get absolutely hammered. It’s time to drink beer like your childhood dream just came true, because for a lot of people it really did. Don’t think about your own childhood dreams, The Oprah Winfrey Show isn’t coming back today. Celebrate one win at a time. If you start crying at the bar people will think you really love the Cubs, not that you’re actually really worried about what deer do when it rains in a forest.

It’s okay to be a sports late bloomer. Use these tips to catch up and you might even discover something new about yourself. Just like how not everyone gets boobs in fifth grade, not everyone cares about the Cubs growing up. But we all have boobs now, and that’s what’s important.

 

If you pregame the pregame’s pregame, your whole life becomes a pregame!

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