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The Professional Farters’ Guide to Farting on the Red Line

If there’s one thing that’s consistent in our lives, it’s how thoroughly the Red Line is out to literally ruin our lives. Without fault, every time you step onto a Red Line, you’ll be hit with the unmistakable aroma that penetrates the multi-car operation. In some sort of weird silver lining, at least you know that you’ll never be the smelliest person or thing around on the Red Line. Because of this overwhelming and frankly disgusting phenomenon (seriously, it’s fucked up how strong the Red Line smells on most days, not to mention hot summer days), thousands of Chicago residents have come to utilize the Red Line for their deepest, most satisfying release: farting.

The rancid smell of the Red Line effectively burns all of the senses in your nostrils, thus nobody will be able to smell your numerous booty bombs. Here’s our self-described professional farter’s guide to farting on the Red Line, since it already smells like farts.

5.) Right in the doorway:
If you’re new to the public flatulence game and are still feeling a little shy, don’t fret, there’s a place for you. Post up by the door and worry no more about your stench lingering and becoming distinguishable. If you time it right, you can drop ‘em right as the door is opening, eliminating any possible trace of smell.

4.) Next to a full bench of working professionals:
Look, we all know dudes are gassy, so it would be reasonable to assume that the protein shake-toting gym bro who’s sitting next to you scrolling on Facebook could be the source of that deadly stench dispersing throughout the car. It would be easy enough to put the blame off on somebody else that you might as well go for it. How do you shirk fart blame to strangers? Simple — make eye contact like you smelling this shit too? then direct your eyes towards gym bro. As an added bonus, if you get in one of the old cars, the fabric seats eliminate most of the risk of sound.

3.) In a full car:
You know when you’re packed in like sardines? You might even feel a few drops of sweat making their way, dripping down the middle of your back. You’ve been elbowed several times already and some dude has been playing his Soundcloud with no headphones for six stops. Uh oh, what’s that brewing in your tummy? If there’s any time to drop a smelly one, it’s when you’re packed so tightly together it’d be impossible to distinguish the source.

2.) In the middle of two train cars as the train is moving:
If you can pull off this feat, you’re probably the coolest tooter around. Normal people would rather endure just about anything than have to attempt to move to a different car while the train is moving, so maybe that explains what others are doing when they move from car to car. This fart stop might be useful for a few things: if you’re trying to be discreet, or if you have a death wish and just need to let one out.

1.) In the private cubby:
A sleek, metal version of a dutch oven? How could you find a better place to let out your thunder from down under? While the source of the Red Line’s constantly rancid scent remains to be unknown, we all might as well take advantage of it. The next time you step aboard the good ol’ R-Line and your eyes start watering, maybe think about all the gases people around you.

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