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PSA: Don’t Hammock on the ‘Quad’ This Spring, We’re Not a State School

It’s that time of the year again when, despite being “technically spring” Chicago weather reaches a couple degrees above nipple freezing cold and DePaul students trade their outdated UGG boots for Birkenstocks. This weather also brings along a rare breed of student who seemingly tries to get in touch with “nature” and their inner college student. These are the students who not only whip out the Birks but have the audacity to set up a full-fledged hammock on DePaul’s “quad.”

It’s firstly vital to explore the legitimacy of the DePaul campus quad, is it really a quad? Or is it just one of the many things that DePaul uses to encompass a “real college experience?” The three buildings that border the pitied patch of greenery in the center and the few plants, that were probably pushed for by the Green Club, almost fool people into thinking DePaul is a real college campus… until they see the gas station and busy street right outside the entryway.

In order for these students to even hang their impressive hammocks, they have to find trees. Luckily, the DePaul quad has about four trees to accommodate this need. Fortunately, most DePaul students are prissy city kids who don’t value nature or the “big campus feel,” and are fine just Ubering to the bar instead of doing things the old-fashioned way and drinking beer out of the keg at a REAL frat house. But not every hammock bro is this way.

Some of these students seem still to be confused as to where they actually pay for an overpriced education. The hammocking students must be among the few who are still floating in the clouds.

Maybe they mean well. Maybe they’re just trying to stay in tune with nature in an urban environment. Maybe they’re an environmental science major. Maybe they weren’t cool enough to get into the big ten state school where their dad was the president of a “prestigious” form of Greek life (if that exists). Maybe they’re from Colorado. Or maybe they just smoked too much pot before class and really need a nap… if that’s the case, don’t we all?

But regardless of their reasoning, the hammocks are just not okay. They’re trying desperately to be something they’re not, and students shouldn’t be going to that length to misrepresent DePaul. Even if they have harmless intentions, their hammocks are just offensive. They’re tacky and have the potential to confuse freshmen into thinking they transferred to somewhere fun and relaxing.

For all of these reasons and more, it is time to seriously discuss when and where we are going to break the truth to these helpless students of the hammocks. It is time to introduce them to the same state of disillusion every other DePaul kid exists in.

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