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Report: DePaul Students from Suburbs Remain Weirdly Enchanted by the CTA

For long-time residents of Chicago, the CTA is nothing more than a urine-scented meat locker, with a new horror awaiting you with each ride. While not the most ideal form of transportation, the CTA is big on convenience and practicality, even if riding in the middle of the day can induce a panic attack. However, this is not the case for all of those who live in the city. For the suburbanites and 12 out-of-staters attending DePaul, the CTA is nothing short of magical.

“Where I’m from, our main method of public transportation is the town donkey, so the train is a really nice upgrade,” said Sylvia Thompson, a Bartlett native. “The first time I ever rode on the Red Line, a guy started trying to eat his own fingers, and I was like ‘the city is really alive!’” When asked her favorite Chicago restaurant, Thompson replied with Panera Bread.

Thompson wasn’t the only suburbanite enchanted by the hustle-and-bustle-and-terror of the CTA. “Living in the big city has been such a wild experience,” said Gurnee native and resident basic bitch Samantha Cooper. “The train is just so alive, and I feel the rhythm of the city whenever I almost get mugged going to class,” Cooper concluded her statement, going on to mention that she didn’t know where Wrigley Field was, on account of it not being on the Mag Mile.

In a recent poll taken by DePaul students, an overwhelming 97% of non-Chicago residents attending DePaul  have purchased a CTA laptop sticker, while 100% of Chicago residents everywhere said, “The CTA has taken enough from me, they’re not getting more of my money.”

Residents of the city are floored by the suburban fixation on the CTA, with many wondering if it’s all a marketing ploy by the CTA. “All I know is, anyone endorsing the CTA has got something to hide,” said Dave Swanson, a Chicago native with an accent thicker than molasses. “Do you know how many times I’ve been on the train and seen someone give birth? Too many times, that’s how many.”

While it’s easy to hate on the CTA for being dirty, overcrowded, often unreliable, full of drunken fights, and essentially just being a holding cell on wheels, we as Chicagoans should grow to appreciate it more because it’s a big part of the city or something. The next time you’re on the train and pissed because of the overwhelming stench of vomit, turn that frown upside down! That’s not the puke of a drunken menace, it’s an exclusive potpourri of the CTA Red Line! Ride on, bitches!

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