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REPORT: Dogs of Lincoln Park Prove to be Most Effective Aphrodisiac

If you’re one of the many DePaul students who feel like they’ve been left high and definitely dry when it comes to your sex life, we have discovered the perfect solution and it may involve your wiener. Basically, everyone who walks a dog on the Lincoln Park campus has transformed themselves into a complete sex magnet. Since we know that humans truly aren’t that great, this leads us to believe that the dogs of Lincoln Park may be a true aphrodisiac.

This may be hard to accept, considering dogs are usually associated with innocence and childhood memories. But if you want to get laid, you better throw all of those cute and cuddly preconceived notions of dogs right out of your head and start thinking of them as a useful tool to receive head.

We’re not really sure what it is about these Lincoln Park pups that get everyone hot and bothered, but as soon as someone rolls up with a cute floofer, DePaul students drop everything (including their panties) to get a closer look. It may have to do with the large population of on-campus students who are living in dogless dorms without love, loyalty and companionship. The oppression these students live under is immensely damaging.

Consider the fact that there are always older, married white men just “casually” walking their dogs on the quad. If they just happen to run into a swarm of young and vulnerable college freshmen who want to pet their “dog,” then that’s totally fine with them.

This information opens up endless opportunities for effective courtship. If you’re an awkward IT major who has a hard time interacting with humans or a total bro who has realized that the whole “douchebag” gig isn’t working out for you anymore, you might have the opportunity to reach your highest potential. Even if you’re a shitty person with below average looks and a stale personality, you can drag a dog around and still potentially get some.

It’s not the person that counts, it’s the dog. And like most things in life, size matters. A tiny wiener may not be as effective as a larger purebred hound. Some people are attracted to shaggier ones, while others have been drawn to a cleaner groomed version. These are areas that still require further research and investigation.

These dogs also help ward off the worst of humanity because anyone who doesn’t like puppies is likely a certified psychopath or just a cat person, but the two are basically interchangeable. So, if you want to improve your sex life, or just need someone to take home so your parents stop asking if there is something wrong with you, we hope this helps and you go buy a dog immediately.

The next time you land a really hot date, don’t forget to honor the dogs of Lincoln Park (aka the true sex gods).

 

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