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REPORT: FEST Artist A$AP Ferg is Neither Fergie nor A$AP Rocky

Recent news of A$AP Ferg headlining FEST has many DePaul Students concerned and dismayed. Nobody can wrap their heads around who this mystery headliner is. We recorded a conversation with the head of students activities discussing the talent with a DePaul sophomore.

“We have A$AP Ferg as the headliner.”

“NO FUCKING WAY! I LOVE A$AP Rocky! I can’t believe we got him.”

“We didn’t. It’s A$AP Ferg.”

“Oh… you mean Fergie? The Duchess is a bop!”

“No, he’s a rapper from New York.”

“Hmm… I’m sure he’s cool too.”

It’s clear that the DePaul student body has been duped once again. In totally, not-cool fashion, not only has DePaul tricked its student into paying exorbitant amounts of money in tuition dollars, they’ve given the students hope that maybe FEST would be different this year, only to squander that hope.

No, unfortunately to everyone’s disappointment, FEST 2018 will not be Fergalicious. Sadly, we will not be dancing to the classic songs of the former member of The Black Eyed Peas. And as much as we would love to sing while we pretend we are sexy girl scouts in a game of Candy Crush, it just isn’t going to happen. So STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

DePaul students then thought that if “Ferg” doesn’t mean Fergie, then it must be referring to A$AP Rocky. “I was super stoked to find out that A$AP Rocky was headlining FEST, especially because I don’t know anything about rap music and he’s one of the only rappers I know,” said freshman Sarah Jenkins. “When someone told me it wasn’t Rocky, I felt played. Do that shit to Loyola kids.”

Since many DePaul students’ intellectual talents reach only as far as to turn to Google, it was even more confusing to find that when they searched “A$AP Ferg” the only thing they got back was a picture of A$AP Rocky.

Even dreaming about the idea of seeing A$AP Rocky or Fergie perform in person seems too good to be true, and that’s because it is. Instead, those in charge of FEST over at DAB have left us with a mystery. Who is A$AP Ferg really? Who asked for this?

We’re not hating on A$AP Ferg, we’re just simply confused about who he is, and merely surprised that his name appears to be the love child of two iconic musicians of our time. As students at a liberal arts school, most of us who are getting degrees in film and other creative studies, we will hope that upon graduation others will take chances on us, but sorry A$AP Ferg, you’ll get your chance when you come back as someone a bit more relevant.

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