Connect with us
Connect with us

DePaul

REPORT: Fucking Loser Sits Alone in the Demon Den

In the hallowed halls of the Stu, where you choose to sit says a lot about your character and more importantly, your status. While the traditional dining hall seating and more casual, personal tables are perfectly suitable for plebs and normies, everyone knows that the prime place to sit is the Demon Den. With its elegant, comfortable seating arrangements, luxurious television accommodations and breathtaking view of motorists rolling through stop signs, the Demon Den is the Beverly Hills of DePaul University.

However, not all that patron the Den help to uphold its sterling reputation. A reputable source informed The Black Sheep that an undesirable presence is becoming more and more frequent in the Den. When we checked it out for ourselves, it proved to be all too true: someone was sitting alone in the Demon Den. The student, who chose to remain anonymous (I mean…obviously), is a regular of the Den, often being spotted around lunchtime, sullying the sacred land with their obvious lack of a life.

Upon speaking to fellow students, a distaste for the lone snacker was made very clear.

“They’re always just sitting here with a stupid expression on their face. Like, I feel bad enough that you don’t have anyone to sit with, but now I have to feel bad about your stupid face? It’s fuckin’ brutal,” said freshman Chris Jackson.

Complaints of the student’s seating choices in the Den were highlighted by even more angry students.

“They always sit on the front couch closest to the TV, even though they’re not sitting with anyone else! It’s a total power trip, especially when they force everyone in the Den to watch Dog the Bounty Hunter on repeat,” junior Sarah Lane remarked.

In order to fully understand the mindset of an individual so clearly broken, The Black Sheep spoke to the loser in question.

Just by speaking to them for five minutes, the sheer weight of their damaged mind was brought to the forefront of the conversation. In the brief conversation, the student said their Stu salad was “really good” and that Dog, the Bounty Hunter, was “super hot.” After hearing these bombshells, our crew vacated the premises immediately. How can an individual be so sure of themselves, yet so deranged?

While we never may fully understand what possesses a person to sit alone in the Demon Den, we are now more aware of how truly twisted yet another member of our student body is. Though this may cause some of you to panic, fret not; if you see someone sitting alone in the Den, hiss and jeer at them until their mind snaps and you never see them again. Happy snacking!

Continue Reading

More from DePaul

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top