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7 Keys to Succeeding at DePaul Without Really Trying

DePaul is a one of a kind university, and we’re all here because we’re the best Catholics and students and cigarette smokers in the nation/Chicago suburbs. But how does one continue to succeed while being fashionably apathetic and not a go-getting try hard? Well, it takes years of practice and lots of money. Here are 7 ways to succeed without trying:

7.) Be Depressed:
A major key to success at DePaul is being sad all the time. Pretty much everyone here is depressed, so you might as well fit in. Major points if you can score a prescription to an antidepressant and wield it in emails asking your professors for extensions. Nothing like playing the part! Sad kids rule!

6.) Be White:
Not to bring race into this, but it helps if you’re white! Since the majority of people here are, you might as well be too! The system sets you up for success you don’t even have to earn, huzzah! 

5.) Be Rich:
Major key right here. Tuition prices are HIGH AS FUCK. So it obviously helps if you have an endless supply of dough to keep you afloat and happy. Also, tuition aside, this is Chicago, baby. Nothing is cheap and everything is accessible. Movies, pizza, concerts, festivals, you name it. If you want to have a fun social life, definitely be rich.

4.) Expect Controversy:
Here at DePaul, no one agrees on anything! Some people love our flaming fat Cheeto of a president, some want to make college free, and others just want to be loved! There’s certainly no shortage of difference in opinion or thought. So expect controversy, and try not to drown in everything turning into a heated argument all the time! If you’re apathetic enough, you’ll coast right to the top.

3.) Smoke American Spirits:
Yeah, man! All the cool kids smoke! Here at DPU, we love cancer, bad teeth, and all things hipster. This means smoking herbal, shitty, overpriced ciggy wiggies whenever you can. In fact, you don’t even have to light it. Just put it in your mouth. Now you’re a guaranteed chick magnet!

2.) Welcome Drugs with Open Arms:
Yeah, baby. City school? City drugs! It’s mostly weed, but every once in awhile it’s laced with something spooky. Don’t trust any skinny white guys who are trying to sell you something. All they want is money to buy more American Spirits.

1.) Expect Bad Sex:
Great sex is hard to come by on its own, so this one kind of speaks for itself. The lower your standards, the less you’ll be disappointed, which is kind of the theme of this entire piece. Didn’t you get that by now? No? Good! You’re halfway there!

So keep your expectations low and your depression levels high, DePaulians! You’re in for a wild ride!


WATCH: We collected the funniest signs from the Women’s March! 

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