The beginning of the school year is quickly approaching and students all over campus are making proclamations about how they’ll be better this year. One student, Jeffery Huntsville, reached out The Black Sheep to proclaim to the world how he’ll be a wonderful student this year.
“I’ve been at DePaul for a while now and I just feel like this is going to be my year,” Jeffery told us while picking through a box belonging to a new roommate 6 years his junior. “After 7 years of undergrad, I feel like it’s time I got my shit together and become a better person.”
When asked how he would change this year, Jeffery gave a few points. He promised to not miss class anymore, start working out at the Ray, that he won’t show up to class hungover or drunk, and most importantly to make some friends this quarter.
We tried to reach out to some of Jeffery’s friends to comment on his promises, but we couldn’t find any, so we went to his family instead. Jeffery’s oldest brother, Josh, doubted Jeffery’s ability to accomplish any of these goals.
“If I know my little brother, I know he doesn’t have it in him. He says exact thing every year and by the end of the first week, he’s already failed at everything,” Josh explained while writing negative comments on Jeffery’s Facebook status.
Jeffery’s cute three-year-old brother, Joey, also chimed in, “Failure, failure!”
To put this information into perspective, we also referred to Jeffery’s parents for comment. “We’re so proud of our son, he’s doing the best he can to get through college and become a success.” After reminding his mother that we were asking about Jeffery, their 26-year-old son living at DePaul since 2012, she still stuck to her comments.
Her husband doubled down. “He really is doing the best he can. Honestly, we didn’t even expect him to get in college and now he’s managed to stay seven whole years!”
We then began to wonder how Jeffery hadn’t been kicked out by now, so we went to DePaul’s administration for comment. We asked how a student who only shows up to class while piss drunk and fails to use any of the facilities offered to him has managed to stay enrolled, they responded with, “Are you kidding me? His parents pay for his tuition out of pocket. We’re going to milk this kid for what he’s worth!”
We went back to Jeffery to explain DePaul’s position, but upon our return we realized that he had already failed his goal to stay sober. We explained the situation to him anyway and he responded, “Duuuuuude, that’s awesome! That means, I can stay in school as long as I want? I’m never leaving this place! Screw my goals!”
Upon realizing our mistake, we wrote several motivational quotes on Jeffery’s fridge and quietly left out the back door, hoping that he’d forget this conversation and do something useful with his life.