Nowadays there are Facebook groups full of incoming freshmen, helpful hubs for them to post anything from asking questions about registration, to finding a roommate, to just flat out posting useless ramblings about excitement and traveling and sandwiches. Of course, this vocal minority ends up clogging up everyone’s newsfeeds much as the dumb girl in class wastes everyone’s time when she asks questions that are literally right there on the syllabus. Listen, we go on Facebook to see who of our high school classmates are already preggers, not to see you post how quirky-yet-in-need-of-a-roommate you are. Here are the six people constantly popping up on our newsfeeds.
1.) The Partier:
This guy loves to party and wants the rest of his future classmates to know it. He’s the one posting wherever he goes asking anyone who lives there if they want to meet up. Sure, maybe he’s just a caterpillar growing into a beautiful social butterfly, but that’d be giving him the benefit of the doubt. “Yo any1 going to Kincades later? Finna get drunk lol” he’ll post in this group in October. No, we’re not going to Kincades later, but you’re a true badass for getting in with your brother’s girlfriend’s cousins’ ID.
2.) The Over-Sharer:
This person loves to post about anything and everything in the group. This can be anything from how they decorated their graduation caps to prom pictures in which they called themselves “Future DePaulians,” to people just saying they’re on a bus towards DePaul right now. It’s good to be excited, just… contain it. The moment you step onto campus dressed head to toe in DePaul garb is the moment everyone slaps a big fat “freshman” stamp on your forehead.
3.) The Desperate-for-a-Roommate:
This person will do anything for a roommate, just as long as they don’t end up with some random person. “Ohmygod, what if they’re like serial killer or something? I could be like serially killed.” Be wary of these people — if they are trying to find someone that bad, there’s probably a reason why no one wants to live with them. Crazy is a two-way street.
4.) The Brokers:
These assholes are always selling something. Whether it´s a new car, or some lightly-used underwear, or a Lolla ticket they’ve photocopied 30 times, it goes up in the group. These guys are either future top grossing DrieHaus College of Business ™ graduates or future craigslist killers — either way, they’re making money and definitely not out to murder you.
5.) The Thirsties:
These guys are always eager for a follower whether it´s on Instagram, Twitter, or Tumblr. They don’t care, just as long as their numbers go up. These are also the same people who’ll post their phone numbers in a group full of thousands of strangers simply because they´re BORED. Fun game – save some of these numbers in your phone, get really drunk one night, and call all of these people, blasting Nickelback and making terrible jokes about ¨deez nuts.¨
6.) Dazed and Confused:
This is what these groups are made for, because so many people have no idea what the fuck is going on. Is that the universities fault? Or is this everyone’s first lesson in “everybody around you is dumb and/or no one reads, ever.” They’ll ask questions like “Hey, when do we start?” and “Why does it say I still need to sign up for housing? Isn’t that like, automatic?” “What does waitlisted mean?” It’s fine. No such thing as a stupid question. Unless that question has been answered in 30 prior emails and also Google and DePaul’s website.
Overall, the Class of 2019 seems pretty chill, and they’ve basically had little to no Facebook drama. They either actually all get along… or it’s all on Twitter. Is that what the kids are doing these days? Remember, the incoming freshmen are all still basically high schoolers until Thanksgiving, but they’ll grow to be old and bitter like the rest of us soon enough.