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How to Legit Get Out of Taking Finals at DePaul

It’s that time of year again finals are coming up so it’s very natural to consider the most drastic measures of avoiding the dreaded tests. Since you’re reading this article, we know you have no intention of actually studying for your exams, but fret not! We at The Black Sheep have gathered a crack team of master slackers to concoct the best methods of dipping out of your final exams, DePaul style!

5.) Overdose on Brownstones’ hot chocolate:
Sweet, indulgent, and nearly lethal in copious amounts, the delicious hot chocolate sold at Brownstones is a surefire way to be exempt from final exams. In order to obtain optimal results, start drinking three large cups a day, every day, up until the day of whichever exam you’re trying to get out of. The colossal amount of sugar and fat will be far too much for your pansy ass to take, and you’ll likely fall into a coma! Unless your professor derives joy from mocking the disabled, you’ll be home free with an A.

4.) Get into a fight on the train:
If you’re not into potentially contracting diabetes, look to the CTA as your method of slacking off. The morning of your test, hop on a Green or Red Line train and find the most obnoxious inebriated guy on the train. While he’s going on a drunken rant about how his ex-wife is in cahoots with the Assad regime, tell him to shut his drunk ass up! Put on your best tough guy face, pull your pants down, and remind him of his parents’ probable disappointment with him. This method is extra effective if you throw a few punches in! When your professor inevitably asks where you are, inform them of your harrowing battle. They’ll be so impressed by how badass you are, you’ll be able to waltz out with a passing grade and a new admirer.

3.) F*** DIBS:
DIBS is more or less the Chris Pratt of DePaul, so there are naturally a ton of high-profile events he’ll need a date to. Whip out your charm and your Saturday night best and DIBS will fall in love with you almost immediately. Being the life partner of a school-wide icon is no easy job, and you simply won’t have time to study or go to class. If your professor gets on your ass for your shabby attendance, simply explain that you live too high a lifestyle to bother with whatever LSP class you’re half-assing. Your professor will immediately recognize how much more important you are in every facet, and might even ask for your autograph.

2.) Go to a Big Ten Party:
DePaul parties, while fun in their own right, simply can’t compare to the high-octane fury of a state school rager. The weekend before your big test, head to either Northwestern or U of I for a party that will render you completely incapacitated. These parties last for more than two hours and generally occur in the middle of nowhere, so you won’t get bogged down by pissy neighbors who want to get a “good night’s sleep”.  Twenty minutes at a certified rager will leave you completely unfit to take a final exam, and you’ll probably receive a care package from your respective professor.

1.) Cry:
If any and/or all of these methods fail you in some capacity, just go with the oldest trick in the book: crying like a little bitch. On the day of your test, dress as pathetically as possible, perhaps a burlap sack or a giant pair of granny panties over your sweatpants. When presented with your exam, throw a full-on temper tantrum, complete with screaming, crying, and writhing on the floor. Your professor will be so uncomfortable and will take such pity on you, they’ll pass you, on the account that they never have to see you again! Genius!

When faced with the prospect of academic challenges, studying hard and asking for help is a no-go. If you want to ace your exams with the least amount of effort possible, try any and all of the listed methods. If you’re still a little skeptical, think of it this way: there’s no way in hell you’re gonna actually try.

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