It’s 2 a.m. on a Friday night and the last train to Pound Town is leaving the station. You check them into your dorm, approach your room when SHIT! Your roommate stayed in, they’re fast asleep, and you know there’s no way in hell you can get busy with a snoring roommate next to you. So, now what? Where do you go? Don’t worry your little, horny head. We at The Black Sheep found the ten best places to bump uglies on campus without traumatizing your roommate.
10.) Arts & Letters Private Bathrooms:
You can’t get any better than a small, private room with a locked door. Come on. And what sexier of a place to get your freak on than the same place ya’ shit? The building itself is usually pretty quiet, so why not make it a little noisy? Public Safety will love it!
9.) Clifton Lounges:
Do people actually use those? Regardless of wether you live there or not, find someone who does and enjoy a beautiful view of the city, while the city views you back. Just look at all those nice tables, chairs, and futons askin’ to be soiled by your sweaty naked body.
8.) Corcoran Community Bathrooms:
If you’re really up for a challenge, you could try some good old-fashioned shower sex. The other residents on your floor will love to hear the tranquil sounds of you and your partner awkwardly finding the right temperature as they sleepily try to take a pee. Just don’t drop the soap. Or do, if you’re into that!
7.) Empty Classrooms in Lewis:
Once you get to the floors above the law school, only about three rooms in Lewis are used on a whole floor. Surely you can fit in a good quickie on top of a table before class. If someone walks in, just draw some unsolvable equations on the chalkboard and pretend to be midnight janitors figuring it out.
6.) The Clifton Parking Garage:
Only have sex here if you’re not afraid of diseases and/or murderers. It’s not exactly the cleanest place. Who cares about that, right? You’re invincible! Go at it in the stairwell. Better yet, go at it in the elevators so the inevitably-sad people in the stairwells can have a little show.
5.) Library Study Rooms:
Reserve yourself and your loved one a lovely room to study one-on-one. These rooms are conveniently tucked back in the corners of the third and fourth floors for extra privacy. Who needs to listen to music while they work when they can listen to loud moaning instead?
4.) 5th Floor of the Library:
Just make sure you’re super-ultra-pinky-promise quiet. They mean it this time! All you have to do is take the back stairs. You know, the ones that are right by that thing that you always walk past and wonder where it leads to/why it’s even there.
3.) The Alternate Stairs in Arts & Letters:
There’s already a huge staircase right in the middle of the building and two elevators; no one really needs that “alternate” staircase to help with traffic. We all know no one goes in there anyway, so go ahead and get busy.
For those who don’t know, O’Connell is that weird building in the SAC that’s got separate elevators. It’s known for having empty labs and being super quiet, and if you’re anything like The Black Sheep writing staff, quiet chemistry labs really get your blood goin’.
1.) The Stu Bathrooms:
Bonus points if it’s an incoming student visitation day, or any event for that matter — it will be so loud that no one will hear you! No one needs those bathrooms anyway, and being the most private spot in the most public of DePaul buildings, this is one you’ll tell your grandkids about.
If all else fails, just lock your roommate out and tell ’em it’s for their own good.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast!