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Trebes Park Sees Record-Breaking Attendance Now That DePaul’s Administration Cares About Drug Use

The administration of DePaul University recently sent out an email to the entirety of its student body, announcing its compliance with the 1990 Drug Free Schools and Communities Act. The email went on to detail the serious consequences of using and distributing drugs and alcohol on campus, both for DePaul employees and students. This strong statement from Dr. President Esteban’s administration makes it clear that they’re all a bunch of fun-hating nerds, forcing DePaul’s students to adapt.

The change is DePaul students’ drug practices has been seen most strongly in the nearby Trebes Park, located along Racine Avenue behind the elementary school. The park has become filled with a thick haze of smoke as DePaul students who would normally be partaking of the devil’s lettuce in dorms, STU stairwells, and under the L tracks have migrated out to the park to smoke their ganja in the open.

We at The Black Sheep approached one of these students named Tevon Green to ask why they’ve been appearing in Trebes Park in such numbers. “Well, it’s a really nice day out man,” he said, lighting up a beautifully prepared blunt. “Plus, this park is officially off campus, so we’re not going to see any consequences for smoking. It’s not like any Chicago cop is going to care.”

Indeed, as we conducted our interviews, no less than four cop cars drove by, blatantly ignoring the kids smoking out of enormous, dick-shaped bongs in public. It seems clear that only Dr. President Esteban and his team of geeks care about the Green Serpent in 2017.

Even the Trebes Parks original residents, the elementary school students who play in the park on their recess, don’t seem to care about the hoards of DePaul kids climbing Hindu Kush all over the place. We reached out to Jake Zippzer, a fourth-grader, for comment. “I don’t know who those people laying in the grass are, but they sure smell funny, kinda like my mom’s friend Ron.”

Clearly, even though every patch of grass and unused bench in Trebes Park has been taken over by college students avoiding DePaul’s crackdown by walking one hundred feet off campus, things have been continuing as normal. It’s almost like marijuana is a harmless substance, and DePaul’s strict anti-weed policy is pointless and does much more harm than good.

We asked a Trebes stoner named Henry Weedmann what he thought of our satire magazine’s stringent political analysis. “Haha, what man? I don’t know, but have you ever thought about how beautiful grass is? The world’s such an amazing place.”

There you have it folks! DePaul might be cracking down on drugs, but the kids are smoking more dope than ever. Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram for more quality weed jokes like this.

Do you like your booze before noon? Good! You’ll love our podcast…

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