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How to Deal with the Rampant Tuberculosis Outbreak at DePaul

It’s been a tough week at DePaul University. Not only has our small university had to struggle with Chicago’s brutal winter, as well as grapple with the arrest of Phi Kappa Psi’s favorite Xanax dealer, but we’ve been hit by a mass tuberculosis outbreak at DePaul. The potentially life-threatening lung disease, frequently associated poverty, unsanitary conditions and overcrowding, has been identified in nearly a dozen students. As the Chicago Center for Disease Control performs mass examinations across campus, here are a few ways DePaul can handle the deadly illness racing through the school.

5.) Not caring:
For many Depaul students, the current TB outbreak is just another of life’s endless horrors. Yeah, it’s scary that you could get tuberculosis, but you could also slip on some ice and crack your skull, not to mention having a ten-page paper due on Tuesday. Life is stupid and horrible and then you die. Overwhelmingly, DePaul students seem to be responding to the threat of disease with dull nihilism and memery. Which is a totally normal, healthy way to handle one’s problems, a sign of a truly thriving civilization.

4.) Panic:
On the other hand, some responses from the DePaul student body have gone in a completely different direction. Many DePaul students have reacted to the threat of disease with blind panic, moving through the hallways wearing latex gloves and surgical masks, refusing to make eye contact with students or professors for fear of the contraction. Although these precautions might help protect you from illness, they also have the unfortunate side effect of making you look like a nerd. The cool kids don’t care about getting sick and neither should you.

3.) Actively try to get TB:
Other DePaul students have actually tried to seek out tuberculosis from their peers, approaching the government-quarantined apartments of their sick peers and begging to be let inside. If you’re reading this, please, grant us the blessing of consumption! Grant us the sweet release of death from this awful winter! Sadly, there aren’t any reports of TB-chasers managing to contract the disease yet, but we at The Black Sheep have our fingers crossed for them. 

2.) Religious terror:
Perhaps the tuberculosis outbreak as a sign that the end times are upon us. Pestilence walks among us, there are no gods and no masters before the end times. You can shout on the quad and build strange idols to DIBs out of snow and viscera, worshiping their sexy, blue-furred God in an orgy of bloodshed. We’ve all been there guys, but maybe it’s time to tone it down a notch and focus on school. It can be tempting to give in to apocalyptic visions and cannibalize your professor, but you’ll be happier in the long run if you keep your head down.

1.) Non-traditional medicine:
Finally, you could turn to non-traditional forms of medicine like acupuncture, reiki and crystal therapy. As pleasant as sticking oneself with needles or letting some weirdo rub you with some rocks sounds, these non-traditional forms of medicine won’t help you resist tuberculosis, or do anything at all besides cost a lot of money. But as long as more people don’t start talking about crystals and refusing actual medicine in exchange for suction cups, we should maybe survive this.


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