Ever want to treat yourself to a night of getting drunk without the ever-looming shame that comes with attending a Catholic university? Compromise is key! Here are some ways to achieve that drug-induced mental blockade you’ve been dreaming of while also acting like a goddamn saint and holding onto what’s left of your Vincentian values.
5.) Wade through the nearest trash can to find the Juul your friend may or may not have accidentally thrown away:
There’s nothing more Vincentian than helping your pseudo hipster, in-denial-nicotine-addict friend out of a tough pinch that would almost certainly damage their new age grunge aesthetic. St. Vinny always asked “What must be done?” and in this case, it’s definitely digging through empty weed baggies and Insomnia Cookies wrappers until you find that $10 Juul pen that’s probably filled with a mango pod. Why is it always a mango pod?
4.) Toss out $5 to one of those scraggly old activist guys that’s always on the corner at Fullerton:
Remember that friendly crackhead-looking guy that pushed a flier about an unjust Nicaraguan prison sentence into your face last week on your way to a bio lab? He needs your help! Contributing to those less fortunate than you who have bizarrely specific causes to promote falls under the Vincentian code of service. Do you need the money? Probably, but you’re just barely making it down the Fullerton sidewalk without faceplanting, so who cares! Donate!
3.) Bring your own Febreeze for when you spend half-an-hour puking into a stranger’s toilet:
Consideration for others? Check. Get stocked with a fancy, overpriced scent of your choice (harvest pumpkin highly recommended) and carry that shit on you till it’s go time (you’re bent over the toilet pushing out some nasty beer burps). Not only have you covered up your own horrible decisions, but you’ll be spreading the smells of fall cheer for all to enjoy!
2.) Act like it’s okay when that guy behind the table tells you the only mixer they have left is pineapple juice:
Life’s too short to not be forgiving! Sure, it’s gonna suck when you practically choke on the vile concoction that is cinnamon vodka mixed with pineapple, but hey, a drink’s a drink. Give that glass over to DePaul hipsters and suddenly you’ll be the designated saint of latter day “have you tried this new thing?” mixes.
1.) Pray away the hangover:
No better way to right wrongs than with a good old Catholic prayer that will automatically redeem you for almost drinking your bodyweight in cheap keg beer that was in no way worth the pain it will later subject you to. Maybe St. Vinny himself will let you off the chain from a vampire-esque aversion to light and throbbing head pain that feels like someone picked up a rock and nailed you with it a good 10 times in a row.
So go out and waste your life away, Depaulians! Vincentian values are never too far from the beer pong table.
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