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7 Things Other than Mail You’ll Find After Checking your UPS Box for the First Time All Semester

Freshmen who live in dorms are perplexed when they find out they do, in fact, have a mailbox and don’t need to put “MadSo Alley” as their address for every single one of their Amazon orders. Here are the seven things you’ll likely find in your UPS boxes if you haven’t checked them in a few months:

7.) Spider egg-infested cookies from mom:
Everyone has a mom that loves them, and those who don’t are probably terrible children anyway. If you are one of those “bad eggs” undeserving of a mother’s love then you’re probably used to the classic sensation of biting into a hot, homemade cookie, only to find that it’s a nest for hundreds of spider eggs. And hey, these care packages are only going to pile up over time; you better get over there so you don’t have to eat too many arachnids at once.

6.) One hundred invitations to the Battle Ball League:
Battle Ball is one of the most popular and least exclusive games out there that features only two rules 1.) Battle 2.) Ball. What’s not to love? So don’t miss your chance to play the game that New York Times once called “a blatant excuse to beat up strangers with no discernable rules or objectives.”

5.) The lost components of H.G. Wells’ time machine:
No one would’ve guessed that H.G. Wells’ lesser known novel, The Time Machine, actually served as instructions on how to build your own time machine. Don’t let a little clutter keep you from going back to in time to ask that girl you liked out, or travel forward to divorce that same girl.

4.) More whipped cream than water in your body:
Who did this to you? Was it Kayla from the front desk? Is this revenge for not opening the mailbox all semester? JEEZ, SORRY! Fuck you, Kayla. Everything is sticky.

3.) Cheat sheets for that big exam you failed weeks ago:
Yeah, unfortunately we’ve all been there. Don’t leave exams to chance or studying, check your mailbox and save yourself from the dreaded F.

2.) An entire month’s subscription to Spotify Premium:
Don’t miss out on a free month of America’s best music app. Play any song, anywhere, instantly with Spotify Premium. Missing out on this deal would be as foolish as not shamelessly accepting this product placement. Spotify, give us free stuff!

1.) Nothing:
Your mailbox has everything and nothing. Nothing is a concept that’s impossible to imagine because everything is something, so don’t you want to know what it looks like?

So if you feel like you’re not getting enough love letters or surprise Amazon packages, then it’s time go ahead and check. Who knows, someone might be trying to get your attention ;).

So? Which is it?

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