We simply can’t help but fix our gaze on passersby, to the point where it makes them uncomfortable sometimes. If staring is part of human nature, then parents on FSU campus tours must be the epitome of humanity. They stare at students until we succumb to the discomfort and combust. Fortunately, there’s a solution. Like a powerful pest spray, these clapbacks will stun and repel any soccer mom who looks your way for a little too long.
5.) “F**k you lookin’ at, b***h?”:
Take a hint from internet sensation Blac Youngsta. Oftentimes, the best way to deal with the haters is to treat everyone as a hater. When someone’s mom gives you an evil eye, clap right back with an evil mouth. Drop one of Youngsta’s catch phrases on them as the opportunity presents itself. “F**k you lookin’ at, b***h?”
4.) “We’re not on tour, YOU’RE on tour!”:
Following John Thrasher’s 2017 suspension of Greek life activities, there was fallout left and right. Famously, one fraternity on campus went viral for telling reporters, “we’re not suspended, YOU’RE suspended!” Take note, Seminoles. Spin the stare right back onto the one who is staring.
3.) Point out their UF bumper sticker:
To be fair, they do deserve some credit for abandoning the evils of the University of Florida and sending their children off to FSU instead. However, nothing excuses the sheer rudeness of their incessant staring. So, it’s justified for you to very loudly compliment their giant Gators ™ bumper sticker and matching sunglasses.
2.) “Your mom went to UM.”:
Perhaps an even harsher insult than calling someone a Gators fan is to call them a Hurricanes fan. In Western culture, your mom jokes are the highest form of disrespect, comparable to spitting in someone’s face. To combine the two is a clapback, the likes of which the world has never seen before. The next time someone’s rude dad stares at you while you’re walking to class, bad mouth his mother, right in front of his whole family. That’ll teach him!
1.) Give them the wrong directions to the dining hall:
TBH, sometimes parents who stare really just want to ask for directions but are too clueless to realize that staring at someone will only make them self-conscious, rather than getting them to answer your question. So, when they finally sum up the courage to ask you for directions to the Suwannee Room, send them to DeGraff Hall. They’ll be lost for HOURS. Justice is served!
It doesn’t matter what they say. Staring is rude. Rude! And those who stare aimlessly without realizing deserve punishment and public embarrassment. Now that you’re equipped with these killer clapbacks, take the staring parents of FSU tours on with confidence!
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: