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5 Tips for Preparing for Hurricane Season in Tallahassee When You Have Never Been Self-Sufficient in Your Entire Life

Summer C has officially kicked off, and that means every hot summer day brings us closer to hurricane season. It is almost time to spend day after day panicking over which store still has water bottles in stock, and that means hysteria for the freshies who have never had to be independent or responsible in their entire lives. Luckily for you unprepared idiots, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of their best tips and tricks for making it out of hurricane season in Tallahassee alive when the desperation starts to kick in.

5.) Buy multiple phones for extended battery life:
When preparing for a hurricane, a millennial’s first concern is always their electronics. In order to stay updated on the location of the storm and if Chad from Phi Delt is still at Lauren’s house on the Snapmap, your best bet will be to purchase multiple new cell phones. This will be the cheapest and least wasteful option. With multiple cell phones, you will have much more time to kick back and check the news (or the Snapmap) without worrying about your phone dying.

4.) Secure your belongings:
Everyone knows that hurricanes are windy as hell. In order to make sure all of your important apartment decorations don’t blow away, you need to glue and/or tape everything to the floor. This includes your rugs, couches, beds, plates, bongs, underwear, you name it. You cannot be safe in your apartment in a hurricane unless you glue everything to the floor, and that is a fact.

3.) Fight selfish assholes in the Publix on Ocala:
Look, we’re all trying to get hurricane supplies here. When you see that dude from bio class who brings a diet coke to class everyday buying twelve 24-packs of water bottles, it’s time to step in. If he can survive off of soda and Gatorade, why should he need water? He is being selfish, and you deserve that water more than he does. It is time to stand up for yourself and start swinging, because you don’t want to be the dehydrated one in this situation.

2.) Gas stations out of gas? Siphon gas from other people’s cars:
There almost always comes a point when every Tallahassee resident starts to panic and make plans to leave town. When this happens, you may run into a terrible issue – every gas station is out of gas! Why should you not be able to get out of town just because you were the last person to prepare and fill their tank? When push comes to shove, there’s only one thing left to do – steal the gas from someone else’s car. Stealing is always your best option, and they definitely won’t notice. Plus, who needs that much gas anyway?

1.) Create an emergency supplies kit (alcohol):
When there is nothing left to do but wait for the storm to hit, it is time to break out the emergency supplies kit. If you’re absolutely smashed off of a handle of warm Fireball, you won’t even remember that there is an actual hurricane coming. And if you don’t remember there’s a hurricane coming, then you won’t have a problem in the world.

With these genius tips from a highly knowledgeable source, you are now prepared to take on hurricane season in good ol’ Tallahassee. Good luck, and you’re welcome.

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