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5 Ways to Secure a Seat When Swunion is Too Crowded

You made a big mistake coming to Union Suwannee at 12 p.m. The lunch rush is in full force, your stomach is growling at full volume, and the venue is at full capacity. What you failed to realize is that literally everybody else on campus got hungry at the same time as you. Not only will you have to stand in long lines, but you’ll also soon realize that there’s apparently nowhere for you to sit. Nowhere except these 5 places we’ve scouted out for you.

5.) Sit in the salad bar:
Let’s be real– nobody ever walks by the salad bar. That doesn’t mean that FSU students are unhealthy, it just means that the salad bar is prime real estate! Climbing into the salad bar will be a little difficult, but the soft cushion of lettuce and spinach will more than make up for the tight squeeze.

4.) Wear a UF shirt and sit down:
It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting next to the even the bravest of FSU students; the very sight of a “Gators” shirt is enough to burn anyone’s eyes after enough exposure. You may as well be wearing a human repellent. To clear out the dining hall, sit at or on any table and proceed to start eating. Before you know it, everyone sitting near you will up and leave, and you’ll have the entirety of Swunion to yourself.

3.) Buy an FSU athletics backpack:
FSU is a Division 1 NCAA school, so naturally, athletes have a near-godlike status when roaming the streets. Not only do they have their own special gym for fitness, but humble mortals invariably move out of their way when they pass by. If you bring an athletics backpack to Suwanee at the Union, you can rest assured that you’ll be able to force anybody out of their seat.

2.) Patiently wait for someone to get up and then steal their seat:
That’s right. You couldn’t get into FSU if you weren’t at least moderately smart. In times of survival, it’s acceptable to break the bounds of social etiquette and act solely in your favor. If you steal someone’s seat when they’re not looking, what’s the worst they can do to you? Yell at you? Spit in your food? Beat you up? There’s really no risk here.

1.) Dress as John Thrasher and go around shaking hands:
EVERYBODY loves President Thrasher. Everybody. If you don’t participate in the cult of personality, are you really an FSU student? If you shake someone’s hand and kindly ask them to sit at their table, are they really going to turn you down? Especially if they think you’re John Thrasher? The answer is a clear hell no. Go out there and get thrashing.

Now that you know the smartest ways to find seating in Swunion during the lunch rush, you can finally get grubbing. Just make sure to get there a little earlier next time, ya dingus.

 

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