In midst of all of the controversy of our current election process, it turns out we have overlooked a very suitable candidate to claim the title as president of the United States. The only thing FSU students really know about him is that he likes ice cream, so let’s take a look and see what would happen if he actually did become president.
6.) Take Away All Parking Privileges:
We all know that one of President Thrasher’s biggest beliefs is that every man, woman, and child should have to struggle to find parking. Every day, you should have to wake up and spend at least an hour driving around trying to find a spot on campus. If elected president, Thrasher promises to take away the privilege of parking all together. No one will ever be guaranteed a spot! That way we will all continue to have to fight, claw, and gnash our teeth in order to try and receive an education.
5.) Make Sure There Is Always Obnoxious Construction:
Much like at Florida State University, President John Thrasher believes the U.S. would be a better place if there were always some type of loud construction going on. There’s a reason that there are always big chunks of our sideways blocked off. Having to look at ugly blocks of construction and fallen buildings builds character. Therefore, implementing that same idea into his presidency, Thrasher plans to build massive amounts of unnecessary projects just for the heck of it.
4.) Start Asking For More Money:
One of Thrasher’s advancements in his presidency was his billion-dollar funding project. If he becomes president, he’s going to keep doing what he does best: asking for money! He wants it all this time, people! He will start advancing the success of the United States by pulling from the pockets of the citizens. All of his supporters will be required to have a large amount of their income to support him and the projects that he loves to start for really no reason at all.
3.) Absolutely No Walls:
Unlike some certain beliefs of some candidates in the running, if Thrasher becomes president, he wants all walls to be torn down. Thrasher would declare that all races should intermingle and love one another, just as it should be. America would be one giant International Coffee Hour! Thrasher takes pride in his achievements, and diversity is one of them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he switched out the Senate for the Black Student Union.
2.) Sports Are #1:
At Florida State University, if you are an athlete, you have it made. More specifically, if you are a football player, you have it made. Hell, you don’t even have to walk anymore because you can just hoverboard everywhere. As president, Thrasher would give all athletes their own hoverboards and their own homework slaves. Therefore, the athletes can keep doing what they do best – making more money for our school/country.
1.) Ice Cream For Everyone!:
The biggest and most important change that President Thrasher would make is that once elected, every citizen of the United States would receive ice cream. Even better, the President himself would be there to scoop the ice cream by hand. This, in fact, is the whole platform of his campaign. Thrasher believes that every scoop of ice cream should be delivered with a smile, and every citizen should feel honored to enjoy it in the presence of him and his well-dressed family.
All in all, it seems like Thrasher’s rash decision making might take this country in a very interesting direction. However, asking for more money and giving everyone ice cream is not a crazy dream. We support you, John. And, as always, Go ‘Noles.
No, you can’t use shacking to justify being “technically homeless”: