Everybody knows about the campus S.A.F.E. Bus. It’s a free vehicle available for drunk and car-less students who are too broke to afford to Uber around campus. In such a dangerous world, we can’t underestimate the importance of having a safe option to return home every night. Unfortunately for FSU students, “S.A.F.E. bus” drivers typically speed, text, and show zero regard for human life whatsoever. No need to worry, here are some safer options we recommend:
6.) Cannon blast:
The most stylish way to arrive at any venue is explosively. Just imagine the look on your classmates’ faces when you crash through the classroom walls and into a front row seat. Everyone will be in total awe.
5.) Conestoga wagon:
If cannons aren’t your style, then you can trust a good old-fashioned Conestoga wagon to take you the class. Every millennial knows that everything was inexplicably better in the olden days, especially travel. Don’t let the fact that most pioneers on the Oregon Trail met untimely deaths deter you.
4.) Any boatmobile with a cartoon driver:
Why put your life on the line in a treacherous S.A.F.E. bus, when you can be escorted home by a celebrity driver? Fictional creatures like SpongeBob don’t even have cell phones, so there’s no chance of catching them texting while driving you home.
Ah, the ancient practice of soliciting complete strangers for rides. What could possibly be a safer way to get home than hopping into the car of someone you just met and then showing them exactly where you live, all in the dead of night?
2.) A piggyback ride from your drunk best friend:
Let’s not deny the obvious here: we already know why you were considering the S.A.F.E. bus in the first place. You got a little (okay, very) drunk without any feasible plan for transportation home. Luckily for you, your B.F.F. is slightly less drunk than you are, and she claims to know the way back to DeGraff Hall. But you’ve got a bad feeling about this, don’t you?
1.) A ride with Renegade:
Just ask Christopher Reeves; horseback riding is incredibly safe. Especially if you’ve never tried it before. And it’s 2:34 a.m. in a college town. You have no idea where you are, and you’re far from sober. You somehow happened to have to broken into Renegade’s stable and stolen him for a late-night joyride.
You don’t have to be afraid of going out at night in Tallahassee anymore. Now you know, there are ways to get home that don’t involve being thrown to the side of a moving car before you can even get your seatbelt around your waist. Stay safe, Seminoles.
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