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6 Potential New Names for Controversial FSU Landmarks

Over the past few years, there’s been a lot of on-campus controversy about the validity of figures, like the Eppes statue which honors a slave owner, who’s still standing in 2018. The aptly named President’s Advisory Panel on University Namings and Recognition has been deliberating on these issues all year, to no avail. Even more frustrating is the fact that we came up with potential new names for six disturbing landmarks in a matter of minutes

6.) The “Tarnation” statue:

Our university has a great commitment to diversity, but in practice, our representation of it can be, uhhh, misleading. We have an underwhelming 8% black population on campus, but every admissions advertisement has pictures of blissfully happy people of color. Our Integration statue celebrates minority identities, but not the overwhelming majority: white. Why not give everyone a cowboy hat?

5.) “Blessedscott” fountain:

The Westcott building is without a doubt one of the prettiest sights on campus. Adorned with a lovely fountain, it’s a popular late-night spot for FSU students on their 21st birthdays. But don’t you think it’s a bit outdated? The leading symbol of the university should represent the interests of today’s modern student population: success. Replacing the fountain head with a bust of the world-renowned Khaled Mohamed Khaled will galvanize new recruits and graduating seniors to alike to work hard to realize their goals.

4.) The Beyoncé Boy statue:

Religious FSU Snapchat Story followers will instantly recognize “Beyoncé Boy,” whose hair became an unnecessarily viral story that made its way to national news. A unifying figure like him is a perfect change to a statue that has oft received criticism as a gesture of cultural appropriation.

3.) Ruby “Diamonds” by Rihanna auditorium:

Regardless of the moral or political reasons behind it, renaming landmarks is always a product of the fact that times have changed. How many FSU students even know who Ruby Diamond is? You definitely don’t. That’s why the auditorium should be renamed to something more relevant, like Rihanna’s smash hit, “Diamonds”.

2.) A redesigned “Sportsmanship” statue:

Bye, Jimbo. You’re lucky that we’re even willing to shake your hand. Edward Jonas’s famed “Sportsmanship” statue needs a 2018 enhancement; it should portray Willie Taggart graciously offering Jimbo Fisher a hand after FSU brutally destroys Texas A&M in football this coming season. No love lost.

1.) The “School Peps” statue:

Frankly, it will be very difficult to convince FSU’s conservative stakeholders to remove or rename the Eppes statue. So why not just make it more enticing, so that everyone will love it? Slap a few Seminoles™ pom-poms on that bad boy, and add a Winston bobble head for effect. Controversy. Resolved. Immediately. Just look at him. Does that guy really look like a bleeding-heart racist to you? :/

FSU is far from perfect, but it’s nice to know that we always have options to contribute to the university community and make this school a better place. Hopefully our renaming panels see these suggestions and make the right choice.

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