You’re hungry. You haven’t eaten since yesterday morning. You’re also very drunk. But you’re going to have to wait a very. long. time. You’re more than likely at The Den– the only restaurant on campus that manages to simultaneously be open past midnight AND be ridiculously overpriced. On any weekend night, the Den averages well over a bajillion customers. But on this night, all you want is a GD cookies and cream milkshake. Here are a few things on campus shorter than your order’s wait time you can think about while you slowly starve to death:
6.) The height of the weird smokestack thing:
Nobody really knows the function of the big ole chimney in front of the Central Utility Plant, but one thing is certain: it’s really freaking tall. No one has climbed it to date, so it’s a perfect opportunity to set a world record. The milkshake probably still won’t be ready by the time you make it down, though.
5.) The walk from Salley Hall to literally anywhere else on campus:
Ask any Salley Hall resident– this s*** is far as hell from anywhere else on campus. Imagine 20-minute walks to Strozier, or having to wake up at 6:30 for an 8 a.m. class in Diffenbaugh. But even the trek from Salley Hall to the Degraff courtyard is shorter than the obscene amount of time it’ll take for your milkshake to be made.
4.) The walk from anywhere to Smith or Kellum:
Can anyone ever find those buildings??
3.) The last 6 minutes of any fall 2017 home football game:
This season was long. And so were the games. All of them in the blistering Florida heat, surrounded by $6 water bottles and rewarded with loss after loss. It was truly a long year for the coaches, the players, and the fans. Fortunately, however, the team will be improving this coming season under Coach Taggart’s direction. The downside is that your milkshake still won’t be ready by the time FSU wins the NCAA national championship in the 2018 season.
2.) Your last semester as a senior:
As a senior heading into spring break, there’s nothing you want more than to just GTFO of FSU. Especially if you’ve already got a job, an apartment, or a Master’s acceptance, the last thing you want to do is lounge around in classes that mean nothing to you anymore. Your final semester will drag on and on, until you’re finally on the stage, receiving your hard-earned diploma. But don’t think you’ll be leaving with that milkshake; you’re still waiting.
1.) A 50-minute 8 a.m. class on Monday morning:
Okay, this one’s on you. Nobody told you to take that 8 a.m. class. But you did. And now you start every week sleep-deprived and miserable. It’s hard to believe your early-morning recitation class is only 50 minutes, because it feels like three years. Which, unsurprisingly, is less time than it will be for your be-darned milkshake to be ready.
You should’ve just saved your VIP swipe and waited until the next day to eat. Because if you’re currently at The Den, you’re definitely still hungry, still piss-drunk, and STILL milkshake-less.
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