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7 FSU Conspiracies to Explain Why This Year’s Been So Strange

Things in Tally have been a bit screwy lately (and by lately we mean this whole damn school year). From the planners you had to toss because of hurricane days to spraying your whole house for bed bugs thanks to the Williams Building, it doesn’t seem like our luck will be turning any time soon. So, to the Seminoles out there who have been in a constant state of “what the fuck” since August, The Black Sheep has connected the dots on a few of these momentous atrocities to finally provide you with some concrete answers that will explain these FSU conspiracies.

7.) Goodbye Chili’s, hello Community Table:
This is where it all started. When those shit-stains at Sodexo decided to buy into the FSU agenda, they really screwed our pooch. So instead of sippin’ a cold marg in between classes we now stare at the desolate dining space full of stool-softening entrees and memories of what once was.

6.) Freakin’ Jim Moran:
The bigwigs at Florida State decided that not only were they going to rid the student body of Pollo Tropical and Papa John’s, but they were also going to demolish the beloved Goldstein Library in order to build the ~School of Entrepreneurship~. Now we get to listen to potheads explain their plans of starting a hemp basket company when we could’ve been finding an open table in an empty library during midterm week.

5.) The fall of Francois:
With no 2 for $22 deal and the absolute heart-breaking loss of the Goldstein empire, Deondre was obviously not in his right mind at the start of the season. As we all know, FSU lost its starting QB during the first game, and if it weren’t for #15– Ronnie cousin-fucking Harrison– we would’ve had a winning record and still owned the DAMN STATE.

4.) John James Fisher Jr.:
The ultimate act of betrayal. With no Winston, Cook, or Francois to make him look like a semi-decent coach, Jimbo simply cracked under the pressure. His weak-ass, pansy-ass, disloyal-ass self up and left the Noles in their time of need for a bigger check at a school where if you have a full set of teeth, you’re already an 8.

3.) Where do we party?:
Two words: Greek life. The post-Jimbo depression was in full force and things got a little wild. No more butt chugging on the deck at Pike while surrounded by two hundred of your best strangers. Now it’s just lame tequila shots at Recess while trying to sneak into a cabana.

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2.) FSU’s a basketball school:
Nowhere to have a good time? No worries! We have a basketball team! And at least Coach Ham is loyal. Beat #9 UNC? No problem! Beat #18 Clemson? No problem! Beat #1 Virginia at home? Uh…. Beat Notre Dame? Wait. Beat NC State? Okay, we get it… shit.

1.) FSU’s a baseball school:
Feeling a little down in the dumps since the basketball team dangled a W in front of your face and keeps yanking it away? That’s okay; baseball is America’s pastime and FSU’s season just started. But…. Wait… Tyler Holton, Florida State’s starting pitcher, tore his UCL in his throwing elbow on OPENING DAY and is now out for the season. Christ.

Now that it’s all written in stone, it’s clear how these seemingly unrelated events are all tied together in this big mess of a year. At least we don’t go to UF?

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