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7 Hells of West Palm Beach, Florida

West Palm Beach, the friend you had as a kid whose parents bought them an N64 that you really wanted to play, but also your friend was annoying, gross, and always way too humid. If Hell is hot, it’s a wet, humid heat like the damp air that sticks to your skin in every moment you’re alive while in South Florida. Except, Hell probably has better drivers.

7.) The Wellington Mall food court:
Who hasn’t wanted to eat greasy fast food that’s available almost anywhere else, while enjoying the beautiful sights of plastic Claire’s bags and hordes of mall walkers? If that’s your thing, you should snack on some Panda Express while contemplating the meaning of life, wondering what it truly means to live the salt life. Is it when you stay in the ocean for too long and your fingies start to look like the waves themselves? Is it when you put too much salt on your Panda Express rice? Yup, that one sounds right.

6.) Bad bagels:
No this isn’t the name of that sick band that plays at Temple, bad bagels are actually a complete and utter lack of human compassion. How can you take one of life’s greatest pleasures, and make it taste like stale Styrofoam? Good news, bad bagels are few and far between in the recesses of West Palm Beach, but when you do find one it’s usually inside an Einstein Bros. Bagels and claims to be an “everything bagel” when it’s actually a salt bagel they accidently dropped in poppy seeds and gummy worms.

5.) Blue Martini:
If you ask anyone in South Florida what they think of Blue Martini, they will describe a mystical place known only through local radio ads, recent divorcees, and fever dreams involving $15 gin and tonics and repeated spins of “Blue” by Eifel 65. No one is quite sure if this place actually exists because nobody has met anyone that’s been, but we can only imagine that it’s made up of sweaty 40-somethings bumping uglies to 80’s night.

4.) Really, really old people:
This breed of old people tends to drive with just their fingers while slurping down some tasty cran-prune juice bought with brand new pennies and expired Viagra pills. You may be able to find some of these really, really old people at your local Einstein Bros. Bagels enjoying themselves a stale bagel.

3.) The South Florida Fair:
February means one thing for West Palm Beach residents: rolling the dice on existence by climbing onto some structurally unstable fair rides. The South Florida Fair has been home to recent culinary innovations such as fried-Mountain Dew and fried fried-Mountain Dew. Everyone loves a nice crunchy beverage.

2.) Rich ol’ ‘Palm Beach’:
This is clearly pointed towards Palm Beach and its too-good-for-Publix residents. It seems as if the city tried to create beaches where you will absolutely get towed, be looked down upon for drinking anything other than a robust pinot noir, and told that the only acceptable sport to be played on the sand is beach polo.

1.) Sunburn on the back of your knees:
Looking like the color of blood is super in right now, and West Palm Beach gives you your opportunity to join the masses! Sure, sunscreen may prevent skin peeling, discomfort, or cancer, but who cares when you get the chance to glow like the bright red cans of Budweiser you’ll be drinking? Plus, imagine all the extra pain you can put yourself through every time you bend your legs!? Hot.

Armed with this advice, hopefully you can navigate your summer in West Palm Beach. If not, at least you can get a sick sunburn from a rich beach after attending the South Florida Fair and enjoying an Einstein Bros. bagel meal with some old people in a food court.

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