Summer is finally upon us, and so are the normal summertime Tallahassee activities. It sucks you’re still stuck in Tallahassee instead of crushing some Mike’s Hard and enjoying your grandparents’ above-ground pool, but don’t fret! The empty space in all the dormitories is screaming your name! What would your parents think of all that lost potential, while they’re enjoying the beaches of Aruba without you? Here’s the definitive list of seven activities to do while avoiding the monsoon of humidity that has become the annual summer tradition in our lovely capital.
7.) Make a Dirt Farm:
Most people are under the impression that you can’t grow dirt, and most scientific evidence seems to back this idea up. However, you CAN grow your very own soil during the ideal dirt-growing conditions we have right now in our lovely state. With the right combination of F.O.M.O., plastic bottle vodka, and expired Publix gift cards, you can create the perfect storm of disappointment that will eventually turn into your own dirt farm. Make sure you water your supplies twice a day and plow the fields with the leftover plastic forks from your Fresh Foods to-go box, and you’ll be well on your way.
6.) Start a Fight Club:
Who says you can’t bond with your boys during the summer months? Just crack a cold one and watch as the only people left in Smith Hall come flocking like cut-off shorts to White Trash Wednesday to chill in your kiddie pool on the fifth floor with you. Inevitably, that will get boring though, and when you finally realize you can’t dive into a plastic kiddie pool, it’s time to start your own fight club. Put a signup sheet at the front desk titled “Cool People ONLY” and watch as insecure men with masculinity issues line up to show you who’s really tough around these parts. Just remember, there’s only one rule about Fight Club; you must have an out-of-state fake ID.
5.) Fake a Murder:
Once the whole fight club thing gets boring, it’s going to be time to play some games, especially Clue. Millennials want some realism with their games and I get that, so next time you pick up everyone’s favorite board game, convince one of your friends to fake their own murder! You know, for authenticity. Plus, if you want some real fun, call the FSU Police Department and let them know there’s been a murder. After they bring the forensic team in to examine the potential crime scene, have your super-not-dead friend jump out of the closet nearby and scream “Surprise!” Police love a good practical joke!
4.) Brew Bathtub Gin (Like the Good Old Days!):
After everyone gets tired of sipping sweet, sweet Steel Reserve, it’s going to be time to make some craft cocktails. First step in making an authentic, Prohibition-style cocktail however, is to brew your own bathtub gin. Go pick some juniper berries, throw them into the dorm-style bathroom tub, toss in the grain alcohol and tap water and before you know it you’ll have your very own gin! If you’re lucky, one of your friends may even die from the contamination and you won’t even have to fake their death for the authentic game of Clue! Win-win!
3.) Shoot a Live Episode of TRL:
Man, you know what we don’t have enough of these days? Carson Daly. That dreamboat seemed to be everywhere in the early 2000s but now it’s confirmed he’s taking tennis lessons and YouTubing himself somewhere in the Hamptons, thinking about the good old days. So, find him on Myspace, shoot him a message, and see if he won’t make the trip to Smith Hall to bring back TRL! You can even debut relevant music videos like “Bye, Bye, Bye”, “Ignition (Remix)”, and “What’s My Age Again?” like you know Carson’s itching to do. Just don’t forget to bring some sunscreen, it’s about to get hot with all the frosted tips in the building.
2.) Watch Old Jay Leno Standup Videos:
Whenever you wake up and go off to your mundane job or 3-hour summer lecture, don’t you always wish you could be doing one thing? Watching dated standup comedy that doesn’t age well! Everyone misses the good old days, when Jay Leno could go on stage and make sweeping generalizations about how women and old people act. And those blazers! Who knew turquoise jackets would age so well? Now people only want to talk about how Jay cockblocked Conan from The Tonight Show. Doesn’t everyone enjoy when their talk show host fake laughs his way through each and every interview? We all know just how funny Nicolas Cage really is underneath all of those National Treasure movies.
1.) Lament About Corporate America, Man:
“What’s up with conglomerates, man? Capitalism is ruining this country.” Everyone wants to be that guy at the party, you know, the guy who smokes too many spliffs and pontificates about complex and nuanced issues with the same vocabulary as Dora the Explorer. So why not just throw your own anti-capitalism party in Smith Hall and invite your weed dealer?! You can have it catered by Aramark, FSU’s favorite company, and drink Bud Light you bought from Walmart because what are we, rich? Afterwards, you and your friends can head over to the on-campus Chili’s and support local businesses. Just don’t go over to Gaines Street, there’s not even a Publix there yet.
Hopefully, this will distract you from your 6-week courses and 3rd degree sunburns just long enough to make it into fall and if it doesn’t, just keep checking back in with The Black Sheep. We’ll be keeping you up to date with all the cool happenings over here at Florida State.