Summer is here, and Tallahassee has officially become a ghost town. Gone are the days of creepily following strangers around Traditions garage in search of a parking spot. Everyone you know has moved back into their childhood bedrooms – except for you, and that one friend you never actually hung out with last semester. You’ve become desperate for human interaction yet your one friend says they are “busy” or “tired” or “want to be left the fuck alone.” Don’t fear, here’s your guide to convincing that one friend to hang out with you.
7.) Ask politely:
The first step is always to ask casually. Oh, you’re busy tonight? That’s no problem, maybe another time! How about tomorrow? Oh, you’re busy tomorrow, too? How’s Wednesday for you? OMG you’re busy Wednesday? If you’re busy Thursday I can DEFINITELY do Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday…
6.) Bribe them:
Make sure they know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get them to hang out with you at this point, and the options are limitless. Offer to buy dinner. Offer to buy tickets for the both of you to lounge in recliners while watching Deadpool 2. Offer to give them $100, or your kidney, whatever they want. You don’t care because you’re desperate for attention, and they should know that.
5.) Memorize their schedule so they can’t make excuses:
What do you mean you can’t hangout because you want to relax? You only worked for 3 hours today and it’s only a 17-minute drive from your work to your apartment. And you don’t have yoga class until 5 p.m. Do you want to go get dinner? I’m thinking Vale. Your doctor told you to try to avoid gluten at your appointment today, remember? No worries, I already called Vale and confirmed that they have gluten-free options.
4.) Do everything they do and pretend it’s a coincidence:
Funny seeing you at MadSo, Janice! I thought you had work tonight. Oh, this is your work? I had no idea, this is like, so crazy, because I just love it here. Are you guys hiring? Because I totally need a job too, and we get along so well, it would literally be so perfect if we could work here together. Will you put a good word in for me with your boss? We can talk more about it at Recess tonight. Are you going to Recess tonight? Because I am! Isn’t that crazy?
3.) “Have a party,” but only invite them:
What do you mean, “where is everyone else?” Oh shit, sorry! I must have forgotten to text them. At least you’re here, though.
2.) Offer to pick them up, then lock the car doors:
This method is sure to work, mostly because you’re no longer giving them the option. If you think this seems a little scary, just remember that you’re trying to have a fun time, and nothing is more fun than a risky kidnapping! Don’t worry, they’re your friend. They wouldn’t call the police.
1.) Get used to it:
If none of the above options worked, there isn’t much else that can be done until you learn to access the dark web. But honestly, alone time can be fun. It’s a time to learn and focus on yourself. Plus, you’ll probably be alone for the rest of your life anyway because you’re a creepy bitch.