If you did spring break right, your body should be bright red and aching from sun poisoning. But the pain of your sunburn shouldn’t stop you from having hot sex with your significant other back in Tallahassee! Here are some sex positions and the steps to get it on while suffering from excruciating pain.
5.) The Landis Green in spring:
Since you’re so burnt, you’ve definitely already purchased some aloe vera from CVS. For this position, you’ll apply aloe to you and your s/o’s entire body. One of you will lay with your back down, while the other lays directly on top of the other. Since you both have aloe on, it won’t hurt and the cooling gel will act as a lubricant.
4.) The Legacy Fountain in winter:
For this one, you’ll want to fill your bathtub with bags of ice. Get in the tub with your s/o and then have some bath sex. Keep in mind, the ice will want to fall over the sides of the tub, so make sure you keep each cube in the tub. These cold-ass rocs will distract you from your sunburn pain while working to heal it. It’s pretty simple.
3.) The 2020 Union:
It’s officially the future, and sex can happen over virtual reality. Get those VR eye goggles that you strap your phone into, and pull up a nakey vid of your s/o or an old POV sex tape you guys filmed before the sick burn. Now leave the rest to your imagination. Pain free!
2.) The hoverboard on Chieftain Way:
This sex position takes mad concentration and strength. Either you or your s/o (preferably, whoever’s physically stronger) will have to levitate over the other, not allowing any body parts to actually touch. If you don’t know how to levitate yet, search tutorials on YouTube. Some people call this one, “air sex”. Allow the air between you and your s/o to do the dirty work.
1.) The baby bio lesson:
The safest sex is no sex, of course. You’re likely thinking, isn’t this post about getting freaky with a sunburnt bod? And to those of you asking we say, have you ever had a really fun game of Go Fish? Instead of having sex, try getting out a deck of cards and practicing abstinence. You don’t need sex to have a good time with your s/o (unless he’s a mean ol’ f*%&boy). Not only will you be able to play rounds of card games, you’ll also prevent pregnancy and allow your sunburn to properly heal!
Hopefully these sex positions will work for you, like they probably have for so many burnt babes. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice sex for the power of the sun. Sure, sunburns hurt, but they hurt more in missionary.
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